Logan's Blog
by Vans N' Roses
Summary: Trying to be anonymous doesn't always work when you're in love. Sometimes, the fame in the name catches up with you and it's all over the front cover of a gossip magazine. Sometimes, there are dangers to impulse blogging. Join Logan in his battle to keep his friendship with Kendall after a blown up blog post. Kogan. Kendall/Logan. R
1. Why I made this blog in the first place

**No explanations... :^)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated. **

Day 1- The reason I'm making this blog in the first place.

Well, I could probably sum all of this up into a tiny paragraph but I'm not going to. The reason that I'm making this blog is so much more complicated than a few words can describe. A few months have just piled on and piled on until I became this unstable stack of books with only one thing to look foreword to; the fall. I guess I put myself in this position by being so caring and thoughtful. I guess I should introduce myself before I continue my ramble.

My name is Logan. I can't tell you my last name because the last thing I want is to be recognized. This is a public place and I really just need to ramble somewhere and not end up on a cover. I live in a huge town. Some people would say it's not just huge, but the people are too- in a successful sense, of course. I used to live in a small, quiet town where I had the dream of being a doctor, but all that changed when I helped my friend with his own dream of becoming famous. So you caught me… Los Angeles. That's as far as you'll get though. I'm a shy, quiet, caring, nervous, horrible, stupid, blubbering, cold person and I really don't feel like anything else than that. I guess putting up with my friends' antics and some of my own makes me fun? But, most of all, I'm possibly the most overlooked person where I live. I'm known as the smart one, the nerd, the softy, the nice one, and, unfortunately, the manipulated. People can get me to do anything by just flashing a smile or making me nervous. One person in particular get's to me the most. (I'll use a fake name…) His name is Kolten. He's possibly the best person I've ever met. His smile, his presence, his hair, his laugh, his everything is perfect. I can't help but do everything he asks me to, even when I think it's a horrible idea. He just gets to me. He's the kryptonite to my superman. He's one of my problems. He's possibly the biggest because- and don't laugh- I think I might be in love with him. I know: shocker. Even I was a bit surprised.

At first, when I realized it, I broke down. The last thing I needed was an attraction to ruin it all for my friendship with Kolten. He'd never understand. I could see him then, face cringed in disgust when I told him. And now, I feel like I'll never tell him. First the little blonde, now Louise, the rockstar? He definitely doesn't have feelings for me as I have for him. Does he realize it? Can he see it? Is he freaked out? Is that why he doesn't hang out with me much anymore? Did I cross the line by chasing him with the axe-guitar thing when I thought he was going for my ex? All questions that I don't think will be answered.

My second "problem" is my dream of becoming a doctor. How can I even start? My grades are horrible this semester. If I don't improve, the university that I want to go to will never accept me… And with the group I'm in, I have no time to even try to go to college. They have everything planned out for us to survive in this business. I want to be a doctor! I want to help people with their illnesses. I want to be like the Kolten of medicine; friendly, helpful, intuitive, and an idealist. But in order for that to happen I have to study for it, which won't happen any time soon…

I need to ramble. I need to get all of this off my chest before I go insane. I love Kolten. He's my roommate and I love him. He's my best friend and love him. He's the glue of the group and I love him. I love Kendall! That's why I made this blog!

Signed,

A Frustrated Logan

**So, I know this is short... but I will have something coming soon and this blog post is what ties the whole story together. I hoped you enjoyed. Even though it was short, reviews are appreciated. :^)**

**Vans N' Roses**


	2. Really, I'm just dandy

**Still, No explanations. :^P**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**

I woke up feeling dreadful, as if karma was trying to give a small hint as to how my day would go. The sweat that collected on my forehead matched the sweat that drenched my shirt. The feeling in the pit of my stomach stretched from there to my throat; I assumed I'd be vomiting soon, but I persistently shook it off. I had a disciplined immune system. Not much could get past it considering I had to work with Gustavo almost all the time. He wouldn't like us being sick or taking our"sick" day, or party day, as Carlos puts it. I groaned and turned on my side to look at my alarm clock on the bedside table. "5:28." _Great. I won't be getting those two hours of sleep that I normally get._

I shoved my head in my pillow and tried to go to sleep but my body didn't want to sleep; it had other plans. Soon enough, I was running for the toilet in the shared bedroom. I ran my way past the dirty laundry on the floor to Kendall's dresser, then into the bathroom before everything just went black. I had never truly thrown up in my life. That was horrible. The wrenching pain. I wiped my mouth off and flushed the toilet. Washing my hands ended up being a half finished task because, truthfully, I just wanted to lie down and rest. When I turned off the water, there was a knock at the door.

"Logan? Are you alright?" It was Kendall. Of course it was. He was my roommate and I did slam the door pretty loud when I ran inside the bathroom. I woke him up, which would explain the faint groggy tone in his voice. _Wow, Logan… Way to disturb the sleepy._

I turned the doorknob, threw on the most fake smile in my smile bank, and said, "I'm fine." It all comes with practice and I have used this maneuver many times before. Kendall gave me a look of disbelief, though. "Really, I'm just dandy. I could run a mile- though I really don't want to… I'd like to lie down."

"You don't use dandy… ever. You sure you're alright?" He asked, partly out of concern. He combed his fingers through his messy hair and let one of his hands travel to his pajama pants pocket. Then he yawned, making me feel horrible for the time of morning.

"I'm just a bit under the weather is-" I tried.

"We could skip out on work today if you want." There it was. Another "if you want." He knew I never said no. Not to him at least. "I mean, I really don't want Gustavo to kill you for throwing up all over his red carpet."

"How nice of you… but, no. I made a commitment and I'll see it through. Besides, Gustavo doesn't like when we're sick." I actually said no. It was the first time it had ever happened. I guessed Kendall realized it too, because looked at me strangely.

"Okay." And just like that it was over. He turned away and tried to head straight to bed before I blurted out another reply.

"I guess I could take my first sick day ever, but really I don't want to." I made my way to my bed and sat down. "Besides, what would I do when I end up feeling better five minutes after the call."

"Do something that's not work. Maybe I'll call in, too and we can go get some soup," Kendall said, falling onto his bed. "Just trust me, Logan. You need a break."

"Good night, Kendall." I said, slightly laughing, shifting onto my own bed and pulling the covers back on.

"Good _morning,_ Logan." About five minutes later, I heard his breathing steady and concluded that Kendall was back in his previously disturbed sleep. I grabbed my Laptop off the nightstand and waited for it to boot up before going to my blog. I hit a bar called "statistics" and raised and eyebrow when I found that ten people had been on my blog since the night before. Was I really attracting attention? It made me wonder if my life was actually pretty exciting. _Nah, it's probably those people who accidentally hit something on google. _

I logged out and shut my laptop, Lying down before my stomach completely disagreed with everything I was trying to do. Within a few minutes, I was asleep.

* * *

"But, he's sick, Gustavo!" Kendall yelled in a persistent tone into his phone, waking me up. "The last thing you want him to do is get even more sick than he is now so he'll end up calling in tomorrow." I could faintly hear the voice on the other side, considering Gustavo wasn't the most quiet person ever.

"But why are you calling in, then?" He didn't sound to happy and I have to admit, I knew he wouldn't be.

"He- made me sick," He said in the voice that was riddled with contemplation. "and we don't need to make Carlos and James sick."

"You notice that you've used the word 'sick' four times in the last minute, right?" I said, rising up and laughing a bit. He smiled and signaled me to stay quiet.

"We're sick," I held up five fingers. "and all that matters is our rest. So, Goodbye, Gustavo." He hung up… on Gustavo. _Wow, I wish I was that brave._ "Now that we have that done, How're you feeling?"

"Sick," I said, putting another finger up. Kendall smiled and sat on my bed. He was showered, which meant he smelled of citrus and deodorant. He wore his favorite plaid shirt and some dark blue jeans. He was ready to go somewhere and I was stopping him. I wasn't really feeling too bad so I covered my reply with, "But not truly sick, just an empty stomach feeling."

"Then, let's go get some breakfast." He rose and went for his cellphone in his right pocket. "I could call Lucy and see if she'd want to come." _There you go. The statement that ruins everything. I really need to stop getting caught up in the moment. He doesn't like me like I do him._ Kendall typed in a number and waits for the person on the other line to pick up. When they did, he started. "Lucy, you up for breakfast with me n' Logan?" _Yep. This was really happening._ "Why not?" _She said no, YAY! _"Oh, alright. Have a nice time, then." Kendall pressed end and looked at me, slightly disappointed. "Looks like it's just you and me, buddy."

"You don't have to take me to breakfast, Kendall. I thought you offered-"

"I did, so get ready." He was so forward, flashing a smile at me to reassure that he really did want me to come. "I'll meet you in the living room, mmk?"

"Alright," I said, watching him leave. I went into the bathroom and showered. The warm water felt amazing, as if it was washing the sickness bug away and letting it drown in the drain. I went blindly for my shampoo while my face was under the stream of water. When I was washing my hair, the smell surprised me. It was an orange smell. _I'm using Kendall's shampoo!_ I stared at the bottle. Kendall didn't like when people used his toothpaste or anything to do with personal hygiene. He was going to be angry. I rinsed my hair out and finished showering. I grabbed a towel and dried myself off, then got dressed with my white button up shirt and black jeans. I slid on my converse and went back into the bathroom to brush my teeth. After I did, I dashed downstairs to a waiting Kendall, who was situated on the couch.

"Ready?" He asked, rising and shutting the television off.

"I think so," I replied.

"Then, let's go!" As he passed by he stopped in his tracks. He obviously caught me. "You used my shampoo, didn't you?"

"I really didn't mean to. It was a complete accident," I said. He didn't look angry like I thought he would be. He just shrugged it off.

"You can use it if you want, Logan," Kendall said, laughing. Was he really letting me use something that he lets no one else touch? "It's no big deal."

"Then, breakfast?"

"Breakfast."

**Hope you enjoyed. Remember to R&R. Reviews are appreciated and keep me going. **

**I'll have the next part up soon enough. XD**

**Vans N' Roses**


	3. He's too smart

**I would explain... but it would be pointless.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**

When we made it out the door, the strangest thing happened: Kendall grabbed my hand. It might've been because of how slow I was going, but I couldn't stop thinking about it. I took my hand away and watched the elevator doors open. The elevator was vacant, which normally meant I would be alone for a good 38 seconds, but this time I was with Kendall. That was almost the first time we were on an elevator together… alone. I subconsciously let my hand travel to my opposite arm.

"What's up, Logan? You've been acting weird since we left," Kendall said. I didn't look at him. I couldn't bring myself to. I was to caught up in thought. Oh, yes, I would be writing in my blog tonight. "Logan?"

"Oh, huh? Sorry, I zoned out for a minute," I said, turning to him, finally looking into his green eyes. "What did you ask?' I tried to play it off as if I hadn't heard a thing he said, but somehow I knew he saw that I heard him.

"Uh… I just wanted to know why you're acting weird." The elevator's doors opened and we made our way out into the lobby. It was quiet for the first time in a while. The place was spotless, lifeless, and unbelievably calm. I kept walking at Kendall's side, thinking of how to answer.

"I just have a lot on my mind…" I felt he wouldn't give up by the sound of his voice, and I was right.

"What?" He asked, opening the glass door to the parking lot.

"Just… things."

"Way to be mysterious," He said as we approached the car. He turned to me and sat on the hood. I gave him a strange look. "C'mon. You can talk to me about anything."

"I-It's not important," I said, walking to the Big Time Rush-mobile's door and opening it.

"You like someone." I froze staring at the passenger seat. "It's just like Isabel from third grade. You acted exactly like this."

"I-i"

"So, I'm right, aren't I? Who is it?" I didn't know what to say. "You know I can read you. We're best friends… Just, tell me." Wow, he was persistent. I didn't hide my attraction very well, either. I crawled in the front seat and shut the door. "Logaaaaaan," he whined. I watched him walk to the other side of the car and jump in the driver's seat. "Who is she?"

"N-no one." I looked down at my hands and interlocked my fingers. Kendall started the car and shut off the radio as soon as it started playing music. "Kendall, turn the radio back on!"

"Nope, not until you tell me. I mean, I tell you everything." _In detail… Every little attraction you have. Every little late night rendezvous._

"You are… frustrating." Kendall backed out and started driving. The silence and hot leather seats weren't the only things making me uncomfortable; I knew I had to lie and to Kendall of all people. "Please, turn the radio back on."

"Who is she?" He asked. I turned on the radio myself and listened until Kendall turned it off again. This went on until I gave up on trying. He parked the car on the side of the road. "Don't you trust me?"

"Kendall, it's not that. I'm just-" I guess I took too long to finish it, because he finished it for me.

"Stubborn." Kendall turned back to the wheel and pulled out. I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to lie. Lies got me nowhere. So I gave him half of it.

"Gay." I didn't expect there to be a sudden wave of tension in the car. I was waiting for him to say something, but after three minutes I couldn't take it anymore. "Kendall?" I looked over at him, He was focused on the road, nothing else. I turned on the radio to ease the situation. What if he hated me? What if he was going to renounce our friendship?

"So… Who's _he?"_ Kendall finally asked as we stopped at a stoplight. The red tint of the car could've matched my cheeks, but it wasn't the time to look in the mirror.

"His name's Kolten," I said, finally looking away from him. A lie. The first time I lied to Kendall. We arrived at Sue's Breakfast Bizarre, the restaurant that only served breakfast no matter what part of the day. Kendall parked the car. "You're treating me differently, Kendall…"

"Sorry, I'm just processing it. I never saw it coming; Logan Mitchell being gay," He said, which didn't make me feel any better. My face dropped. "I don't care, though. You are who you are, and you are my best friend, no matter what." He patted my back and we got out of the car to walk inside the restaurant. The place was buzzing. Waiters dashed by with orders of pancakes and waffles. A group of six people were waiting for a table. Fortunately, we were a pair. Not the pair I wanted, but a pair nonetheless. We were seated almost immediately.

"Hello, boys. My name is Xander, I'll be serving you today. So… first's first, What would you two like to drink?" Xander was a tall teenager, about our age, with short brown hair and crystal blue eyes. His teeth were simply amazing and he was… still waiting for me to answer.

"Erm, sorry. I'll just have a water," I said, covering my stare up.

"Okay, I'll be back with that. Here are the menus, by the way." He handed us the menus and walked off to get our drinks.

"What was that?" Kendall asked me, smiling. I tried to hide a blush. He laughed and, suddenly, I felt like he really didn't care that I was gay. Xander came back with our drinks in hand and set them on the table. He pulled out a little notebook from his pouch and grabbed the pencil that was on his ear. I started to take a sip of my water.

"So, what can I get you, Logan?" I nearly choked. _How did he know my name?_ "Chill out, dude. I know you two from Big Time Rush."

"Oh," I said. "I'll just have an order of pancakes." I remembered how they looked on the waiter's tray when we first walked in, so I decided to give them a try.

"I'll have the same," Kendall said flashing the guy a grin.

"Okay, that's it?" Xander asked. We both nodded. "Alright, I'll have it out here soon."

"Logan?" Kendall started in a curious tone.

"hmm?"

"Why do you like this Kolten dude?" He finished, quietly.

"I just have for a long time. He's… perfect." I told Kendall. He was sporting a questioning look. "I don't know how to explain it. We're really good friends and he tells me everything, but I don't think I can tell him how I feel."

"Just do it. If he doesn't like you like that and throws your friendship away, he wasn't worth it to begin with. Scum of the-" Just then, Xander came to us with take out boxes.

"Guys, someone spotted you two and, now, I suggest that you leave before all hell breaks loose," he said handing us the boxes.

"Why would all hell break loose?" Kendall asked.

"Logan's blog," Xander said in the most matter-of-fact way. My heart stopped. _They found out… They know I have a blog. They know I'm gay… they don't know who I like, though._ Kendall and I took the boxes with us and got in the car. My phone started ringing, but it was Gustavo and I didn't like talking to him. I answered anyway.

"LOGAN! GET YOURSELF TO ROCQUE RECORDS NOW!" He didn't say anything other than that.

"Kendall?"

"To the studio?"

"Yeah."

* * *

"Oh, you've done it now, dog." Gustavo yelled.

"What?" I asked, watching his face grow darker shades of red. He pulled out a piece of paper and shoved it in my face. It was my blog post with two names highlighted. Logan and _Kendall_. "Oh, no." In my sleepy, frustrated state, I accidentally put Kendall's name instead of the fake Kolten. I looked at the hit count on the bottom of the page. '10,203.' Of course… Search two names on google, add Los Angeles and group, get Logan and Kendall from Big Time Rush.

"Fortunately, you've received praise from a group supporting what's called 'Kogan.' Unfortunately, you've lost a ton of listeners with this stunt." I cringed. Big Time Rush was on the line because of me. "However… you've also gained the audience that has made many people famous and infamous in this town. So, overall… Not bad Logan Mitchell."

"And you've raised the publicity of the band by at least 50 percent," Kelly continued. "This could be a good thing for the band."

"But a bad thing for me."

"Ah, who cares!" Griffin exclaimed, entering the room with his two servant-guards. "Logan, I want you to continue this blog. I want one each day, just to keep the fans and public reeling. AND I want _this_ more often." It was a picture of me and Kendall having breakfast that morning. "Do that and we're guaranteed to get the exposure and the money that we don't have now. Don't and… What's the weather like in Minnesota?" He asked his guy.

"But, how will this actually help?" I asked, still confused.

"No one can prove that the blog post was actually your writing. If you spend more time with Kendall you'll keep these… What were they called?"

"Kogan supporters, sir," the man behind him said.

"Yes, them on edge."

"But, Kendall-"

"Won't know about our little arrangement and a group of private investigator figures will keep him from reading these gossip magazines and your blog post, but only for a short time."

"Kendall will figure it out," I said, looking down. "He's too smart."

"Tomorrow is the release date of Pop Tiger's exposé. Someone close to Kendall is sure to tell him all about it. Either you tell him or someone else does. Quite simple. Now, if you'd excuse me… I have a meeting," Griffin said, strutting out of the office."

"I'm not going to tell him," I said, running my fingers through my hair.

"Then, let's see what happens. I have a limo waiting for you outside. You heard what Griffin said about that blog. You _have_ to write one tonight," Gustavo said, practically shoving me out of his office.

_Oh, yes, I would be writing in my blog tonight._

**Remember to review. They are very much appreciated and I hope you enjoyed this. Another chapter will be up soon. Maybe tomorrow, if I have time on my hands**

**Vans n' roses**


	4. I love you, Kendall, Not Kolten

**Explaining would just ruin it all.**

******Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**

When the limo driver dropped me off at the Palm Woods, I had a lot of internal battles occupying my mind. _What should I do? Tell Kendall? Let Pop Tiger tell Kendall? Let a friend who read Pop Tiger tell Kendall? Or… _ There was only one other option. An option that would almost ruin the credibility that the magazine had. Before I knew it, I was outside Camille's door knocking like the world was going to end.

"L-Logan?" Camille said, opening the door with a friendly smile on her face. "What's going on?" I didn't know whether to lie to her or tell her the whole story. What if she decided to work on a part about a loudmouth. These things could happen at any moment.

Without any particular thought in my mind, I said, "Can I come in, please." Camille nodded and opened the door wider, letting me pass through. Her apartment was spacious. It had a huge window overlooking the pool area and a walk-in kitchen not far from her lounge-like living room.

"So, Why are you so frantic?" she asked. I sat down on the white couch placed conveniently towards the television.

"I screwed up," I said, sighing.

"How?"

"I love Kendall and I've set myself up to be buried in the hole I dug." I didn't want to look her way, for chance that she had reacted badly. It took her a minute to process it, which was totally different from Kendall's three.

"How deep is this hole, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I made a blog. One where I could vent about my feelings for Kendall. I used fake names and everything. But, I was tired. So, I accidentally put 'I love Kendall.'" Camille watched me intently, waiting for the rest of the story. "Then people found out and I'm Pop Tiger's new cover story."

"Well, I don't see w-"

"I told Kendall I was gay this morning and that I liked someone named Kolten. When he reads it and see's Kolten as his fake name, he'll know," I finished. Camille shifted her sitting position and played with the tip of her hair.

"Oh… Um, well. There's not much that you can do. You can either tell him, or let him find out. But, if I was him, I wouldn't want to figure out from a magazine or any other secondary source. What if he likes you back?"

"Doubtful. He's been all over Lucy since she arrived," I said, shaking my head.

"Lucy? Lucy just got out of a relationship and wants nothing to do with romance. So, there's a chance that they're just friends, Logan." Camille took my hands in hers and rose off of the couch taking me with her to the door. "Now… Logan Mitchell. You need to go to Kendall with as much bravery as you have now and tell him how you feel, before someone else does and ruins your chance."

"B-but-"

"No buts. Go!" Camille said, slamming the door in my face. I huffed in a whiny schoolboy way and went back to the lobby, where I saw Kendall… with Lucy, laughing with smoothies in their hands. I hit the button for the elevator and hoped that it wouldn't take too long because-

"Logan, Wait!" -That would happen. I turned around, hoping that I could just get through a rough five minutes of Kendall and Lucy cuteness. I walked to the table, saying nothing and waiting for a reason to actually wait. "We were just talking about going to that new bowling place in town with the guys, but sometimes you're busy and I just wanted to run it past you."

"I don't want to. So, no, Kendall," I said. No counter to two! I felt powerful, yet horrible.

"Why not?" Kendall asked.

"I just don't feel well, okay?" I couldn't hold in my frustration. Technically, all of my problems and stress were because of Kendall. I turned away and headed for the elevator.

When the doors opened, I heard Kendall say, "I'm sorry. I'll text you later. I have to see what's wrong." I was praying that the elevator doors closed before he made his way to them, but no luck. He stopped them and there we were again. Just two people in an elevator. He had his smoothie in his hand. "You want some, grumpy pants?" He asked, noticing my stare. I shook my head. "What's wrong, Loges?" the elevator doors opened and I stepped out onto the second floor, then stopped in my tracks.

"I love _you_, Kendall. Not Kolten… Kolten's not real," _There… Everyone wanted me to tell him. THERE. _I turned around and glanced at Kendall. He was almost disappointed, maybe sympathetic and stood there, paralyzed. "I just wanted to tell you before Pop Tiger did because of my stupid blog."

"Logan… I'm not-"

"I know. But things are about to get huge and confusing. I wanted to make sure you knew about it before you were… shocked," I said. I was denied. The huge weight on my shoulders crushed me. It was official. "I hope we can still be friends…"

"I can't do that, Logan," He shook his head at me, face red and fingers running through his hair.

"What?" And that's when I lost the bravery Camille said I had. Tears started to fall down my cheeks and onto the carpet below. "B-but this morning… y-y-you said-" Things were rushing through my head. All the things he said that morning._ 'I don't care, though. You are who you are, and you are my best friend, no matter what.' 'Just do it. If he doesn't like you like that and throws your friendship away, he wasn't worth it to begin with. Scum of the-' _"You s-said we were best friends no matter what."

"But now people are going think were more, Logan!" Kendall said, angrily, as if he truly did hate me now.

"N-no."

"Yes… Logan, I'm sorry… But, I can't do this. Not now. You know how I feel about Lucy," Kendall said. " You're ruining my chances."

"Well, I'm sorry, too. Kendall. A-and…" I had to do something, even if it was stupid. "I think the band can survive without me. Maybe not James, but I can't do this. I'm going back to Minnesota."

"Logan, don't do anything stupid."

"Oh. I might as well ruin everyone's chances then! This band ruined my chances of ever being a doctor. You ruined my chances. _All_ of them. So, since I'm ruining yours, I might as well do one last stupid thing, huh?" I turned away and made my way to 2j, ran to our shared room, and grabbed the suitcases from under my bed.

"Logan, don't," Kendall said shutting my suitcase. "You're overreacting."

"And you're not?" I asked, venom within my words. "Kendall, I'm not going to stay-" Kendall grabbed my shoulders.

"Logan, I don't want you to leave, okay," Kendall said.

"I don't care, Kendall. Not anymore," I said, pushing him away and opening my suitcase again. "I'll have to anyway, since I'm not writing in my blog tonight."

"What do you mean?"

"Griffin's sending me home if I don't write in it tonight. Some fans are actually supportive of my… love," I shoved a sweater into the suitcase.

"Please, Loges. Don't leave." Kendall put his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"Kendall, stop." He let go.

"That's what you want, isn't it? That's the only way you're going to stay!" He said.

"You are a _jerk_. I don't want some fake sympathetic relationship with you! I don't only like you because of lust! I actually love you because of who you are!" I said. he backed away a bit, giving me space.

"If you loved me, you'd stay," he said in an uncomfortable way.

"I'm leaving."

"You'll just be giving the magazines what they want!" he said. I finished packing my suitcase and set it to the side.

"And what's that? The truth? Why don't you tell me the truth?" I asked. sitting on my bed. The bedside table became the center of my attention.

"I'm not sure if it's the truth yet…" he said, surprisingly.

"I'm going back to Minn-" He kissed me. Just a innocent, chaste kiss, but a kiss nonetheless. When he pulled away, all my common sense came back. _Why would he do that? Is he really trying to manipulate me?_ "You aren't going to do this to me. You aren't." I grabbed my suitcase and barged out of the room, Kendall following behind. "I know you'd do anything to keep the band from falling apart, but seriously… there's a line. Don't do that _ever _again until you actually mean it, Kendall," I said. Apparently, Kendall wasn't following me. He sat on the couch with a strange look on his face.

"Are you really leaving?" he asked staring into space.

"Only if I don't write in my blog," I said. He let his head fall, pieces of is hair tumbling forward.

"Then write in it."

"That would only feed my problem." I decided to drop all the anger I felt with my suitcase. " And you said it yourself, I'm ruining everything."

"I didn't mean it," he huffed. " I actually don't want to stop being best friends with you. I'm just…"

"Stubborn?" I asked, just like he did this morning.

"Recovering from the bombs you've dropped on me." His phone buzzed and he set it on the table, forgetting about it completely.

"Now that I think about it… We're just torturing each other." I laughed, amazed at how we were just yelling at each other.

"Logan?"

"Yeah?"

"You asked me why I don't tell you the truth…" Kendall looked me right in the eyes, giving me chills. "…Well, I'm not sure about it. I thought about it once, but I shook it off."

"Thought about what?" I asked.

"Being gay," he said, and I nodded. "I'm not ready to say that I am, but I do feel something for you that I don't with Lucy."

"I'm not trying to force feelings out of you, Kendall," I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

"I know."

"Okay, then, you ready for tomorrow's bombshell?" I asked, getting up and heading toward the kitchen. I grabbed two waters out of the refrigerator and headed back.

"I wan't to read your blog." I stared at him in disbelief.

"What?"

"The waiter said 'Logan's Blog.' I want to read it," he said. He sighed. "If all hell's going to break loose, I might as well know what I'm up against."

"O-Okay"

**Thanks for reading. Remember to review. I'm having fun writing it, so I hope you're having fun reading it. More to come as soon as possible. I could have another chapter up tonight. I don't know. It all depends.**

**Vans N' Roses**


	5. Cold in California

_******Now, an explanation... Nope.**_

_******Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**_

_Signed,_

_A Frustrated Logan._

"So…" Kendall faded off. His eyes still glued on the screen of my laptop. "I didn't know you felt that way." He scratched his head, placed my computer down on my bed, and turned to me, his cheeks red, his eyes slightly teary. I didn't understand why, though. I didn't say anything hurtful. At least I didn't think I did. I could've. _Maybe I should read it over, myself. _"You have given away a lot all for the band." He was leaving out all of the compliments that I gave him in the blog. He blocked out everything except my dreams of being a doctor.

"Yeah, but I'd do it all again even if I had a second chance. Big Time Rush means a lot more to me." I sighed and laid down on my bed. "I was just angry and frustrated when I wrote that." Kendall matched my shift in position. "I really didn't mean some of the stuff I wrote."

"Why were you frustrated?" Kendall asked. I turned my head to him, bringing my hand to the back of my head. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for an answer. I sighed.

"That was the night after Lucy called dibs…" I couldn't believe I actually told him. There was something about this day that I couldn't understand. How was I so brave to do all of this? It's like I wasn't afraid to put everything out in the open. "It drove me to the edge and, being there just made me do the most stupid thing I've ever done. I'm sorry for putting you in this position, Kendall."

"It's alright… I can take it, I guess," he said. There was a long pause before Kendall said, "R-Remember when you used to call me 'Kendy?'" It was the most random part of the whole conversation. I didn't understand what he was getting at, so I decided a nod of the head just wasn't enough.

"Yeah, I do." I closed my eyes, contemplating. I felt the bed move as Kendall rolled onto his side. "Why?"

"You stopped calling me it once we left Minnesota. I mean, you should've stopped once we turned eleven, but why did you stop then?" I never truly thought about it. I forgot all about Kendall's nickname. I'm sure the reason had to do with the affection linked to the name, but I wasn't sure I'd tell him that. "I still call you 'Logie' every now and then… Why did _you_ stop?"

"I'm not sure," I said. Kendall sighed and shifted again to lying on his back. "W-Why does it matter?"

"I just thought it was…" He didn't finish his response. _Did he think it was stupid? Cute? Nice? Crazy? Funny? What did he think it was?_

"What?" I finally asked, dying of anticipation. This time, I sat up and looked down at Kendall. He was still staring at the ceiling. "Kendall? What did you think it was?"

"Oh, sorry, I was having a flashback… I thought it was our thing, but then you stopped," he said, shifting into the sitting position, too. His phone buzzed a second time, but he dismissed it again.

"Are you really that rude to people?" I asked, laughing at him and taking his phone out of his pocket. He seemed a little caught off-guard.

"You don't remember the phone code."

"The one that goes, 'Thou shall never steal thy friends phone for any purpose,' or the one that goes 'There shall be no use of phones when in the presence of a friend in need?'" I smiled, looking at the screen of his phone.

"Both, now, give me that!" He went to grab it but I held it away from him. I tapped the select button to see who it was. Lucy had texted him two times. "Logaaaaan" I kept keeping it away from him until I was practically running around the whole apartment. I ran into the kitchen, not paying any attention to Carlos and James on the couch or Mama Knight grabbing something from the refrigerator. "Gimme it!"

"Nope," I said, turning up my nose in a snooty, but taunting way. He ran for it again, this time catching me in a corner and telling me one more time to give it back.

"Will you guys get a room? We're trying to watch t.v." James said. Kendall tensed. I noticed the happiness drain from his eyes. He took his phone out of my hand and walked away, obviously hurt by James comment. He headed for our room, but I didn't follow. He was probably angry. "What?" James asked, noticing my sneer.

"Nothing." All of it was for nothing. My conversation with Kendall. My threat to leave. The Blog post. Everything was for nothing. Kendall might've wanted me, but he wasn't willing to do anything about it yet. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out. 'Kelly Calling…' I answered it. "Hello?"

_Logan, we just got word that Griffin set up a hidden camera in your room. Don't do anything that you might regret to see in that magazine tomorrow._

"Wait, What?" Kendall and I kissed in that room. We lied there for minutes talking about nicknames. _Oh no._ "Griffin can't do that, Can he? When did he put them in?"

_According to him, he put them in as soon as you left with that suitcase. So, nothing bad happened, right? _Phew, I thought I'd really have to worry, but if he put them in after I ran out with my suitcase, he didn't get any footage of me and Kendall.

"Right. I'll be careful, Kelly. Bye." I hung up and headed straight for my and Kendall's room. I opened the door to a darkness. The lights were out and the only light that was streaming in the room was coming from the curtains. "K-Kendall?" I swore that he went in our room. I headed to the window and peeked out. There he was at the pool. How he got there so fast, I didn't know. With him gone, I decided to search for the hidden camera. With the lights off, it took half the time that it could have. I could see a red dot of light on one of the books in the bookshelf. I threw it in the trash bin next to Kendall's dresser and rested on my bed. I knew I had to blog, so I grabbed my computer and got to it.

_Day 2- Cold in California_

_It's me again, Logan, I know my first post was mostly impulsive and, I apologize. I don't think the only reason I made this blog is because of my love for Kolten or Kendall or whatever. I bet either way you'd know I made a mistake on the last post by saying "I love Kendall." Well, you caught me,but that's not the only thing that I'm hiding. Secrets are what turn people away from you. Today, I told my best friend how I truly felt about him, after consulting another friend about it. So, technically, I've told two people, I guess. Anyways, he didn't respond too well and I didn't respond to well to his response. It's really complicated._

_I feel like the force that was holding me back wasn't present today. My mouth spewed out things like a fountain, figuratively and literally. I felt brave. Like I could say anything and take the hit from it. Sometimes I even felt daring. Like I truly dared to throw away all of it and go back to where it started, but now, the force is back. The force called common sense. I don't want to leave my friends. I love them like brothers and brothers stick it out for brothers, even when time's are hard and rough. I love Kendall, even though he doesn't love me back. I think he'll have a better relationship with Louise, anyway. The way he talks about her gives me the hint that he's fallen hard. Too hard. Like hard enough to never be with me. He says he's not ready, but I think he's just denying that I really do love him and he feels something for me, too._

_My group is the most important thing to me and to keep it, I'll do anything. I won't leave, I won't leave, and did I mention… I WON'T LEAVE. I shouldn't have even bluffed about that. I was in a bad place. But, now I'm not and I'm going to push forward with everything. Expect me to write every day now. I can't tell you why, but just expect it. Now, I'd better go.I'm really tired and you've witnessed how angry and impulsive I get when I'm tired (Hence, the last post.) _

_So, maybe something might happen. Maybe I'll find someone who's actually willing and not embarrassed of truly being with me. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't hurt his reputation that bad._

_So long, my friends._

_Signed,_

_Logan_

_**Bold it; Author's note it. Yeah, I wrote it. Don't you know it.**  
_

_**ANYWAYS, I hoped you all enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. I'll have another chapter up as soon as I can. Might write another one tonight, I don't know. I forgot to mention: Happy Fourth of July, people of the USA. Yay for freedom.**_

_**Remember to review. They are much appreciated and keep me going. If you really like this story, feel free to add it to your favorites. I think it is going to last.**_

_**See you!**_

_**Vans N' Roses**_


	6. I guess I'm jealous

_********I might explain... Just not today._

_******Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**_

"Logan," I heard Kendall's voice, but I lazily dismissed it and pulled the covers over my head. "Logie, wake up, I really need to talk to you." _ Logie?_ There it was. He really did use it every once and a while. That, or he just wanted to catch my attention.

"Turn off the light and then we'll talk," I grumbled, shoving my face in the pillow. Once the light was turned off, I removed the covers from my face and sat up in my bed. Kendall was in his pajamas, his ruffled hair hinting that he had just woke up. His eyes were red and I really couldn't tell why. "What's wrong, Kendall?" I glanced at my alarm clock to find out the time. Two forty-three in the morning. Ridiculous.

"Logan, I-I. T-the." He tried. I grabbed his face and told him to get on with it. "Lucy…"

"What happened?" I asked. _Did she see the magazine? Did they release it online? Did she hurt Kendall? _ Oh, I was prepared to drop an actual bomb on her if she did. "Kendall, tell me."

"Lucy is dating someone." _And you woke me up because of it!_ "She… told me to move on." His half- teary eyes made me hug him. I couldn't stand Kendall being sad about anything. It just wasn't a characteristic of our band leader.

"Kendall, it's going to be alright. You've been through this before. Remember, Jo left and you got through," I said. I was reassuring him. I was holding him in my arms and telling him it was going to be alright. This wasn't something a friend would do. "You can do it again."

"Logan, how can you be so nice to me?" Kendall asked, pulling away. "I deny you, give you the friend card, and, when the same thing happens to me, you help me through it. I don't understand."

"I'm not a horrible person and neither are you, Kendy." _Oops, I let that slip. I wonder if he noticed. _ A tear trailed down his flushed cheek, gleaming from lamplight. "You'll get through."

"Thanks, Logan," He said, wiping the tear away. "I know this is a strange thing to ask… But, can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Was he really asking that? I didn't understand why he'd want to, but I couldn't deny him. I can't be a rebel and say no to that.

"Yeah." I made room for him in my bed and faced him when he slipped in. "Kendall, you know that Lucy is really dumb for denying you, right?" He shook his head. " She is. You're a wonderful person, bandmate, and friend. She's really missing out."

"She's not the only dumb one. I feel like a complete idiot," he whispered, eyes closed. "I know I feel something for you, Logan. I shouldn't have reacted so badly." He was turning it all back to our situation. He wanted to make this conversation awkward, didn't he? "I think that I like you, Logie."

"I wasn't trying to force feelings on you, Kendall. Just because I _love_ you doesn't mean you have to spare my feelings." I didn't want him to use me. I know he wasn't the type to do that, but I wasn't ready to start something that would end our friendship. "You don't have to say that if you don't."

"I really do think so. I don't think there's any force in it. You are on my mind a little too much." _Not as much as Lucy. _"Even when I was hanging out with Lucy, I wondered what you were doing. I didn't want to tell you, because I thought you would think it was weird. So, the reason I talked about Lucy so much around you truthfully was because I didn't want you to find out."

"So, you're telling the truth?" Everything he said was buzzing in my mind. Maybe Kendall did like me. Or maybe he just has a liking for me and I'm a last resort. Did he want something between us or was he just telling me so I wouldn't get freaked out?

"Why would I lie, Logan. Do you think I don't mean it?" He reached out for my shoulder and rubbed my arm. "I want to try it out."

"First of all, it's not like a car; you can't take it on a test drive. And, secondly, the magazine drops later today. You could barely take a comment from James. If you really want to make Kogan real, we can. But, I wouldn't do it if you aren't sure and can't handle 'all hell breaking loose.'" I watched Kendall as he contemplated his next move. Hesitantly, he scooted closer to me, putting his arms around my waist and pulling me into the center with him.

"Let's make Kogan real." I was surprised when he said that. All that happened today couldn't have pointed in this direction. "I can take it. As long as I can have you." _Right… _

_Well, we'll see._

"So you're willing to out yourself to the world just to be with me? Isn't that a bit crazy? You were straight like four minutes ago." He placed his forehead on mine and I closed my eyes counting the breaths he took.

"I only have these feelings for you, so I wouldn't say I'm completely gay or anything. I'm gay for Logan Mitchell" _Not the sweetest way to put it, but it's sweet enough. _I felt his heart pulsing.

"Kendall, you know this could ruin our friendship forever, right?"

"I'm willing to take that chance."

"But-"

"Stop arguing and just kiss me, already," Kendall said. I opened my eyes, shocked at what he said. I stared at him, slowly leaning in. I initiated it this time and Kendall didn't back away. It was so much different than the kiss he used to keep me here. It was soft and chaste, but there were a lot more feeling behind this one, and not just from my side. Kendall did mean what he said… But would this last? Could Kendall really face all hell breaking loose? Was he going to drop me at the first snarky comment from James or anyone else, for that matter? What if Lucy came back for Kendall because her relationship fell through? Would Kendall find the last resort unappealing? Could he really risk our friendship? I pulled away, resting my forehead on his chest.

"I love you, Kendall, but-"

"But?"

"But I don't know if I can let you do this; risk our friendship for a lost cause. You know that you won't be able to take it. I'd rather have a broken heart and a best friend than just a broken heart." I didn't look him in the eye. I didn't want to see the disappointment. "Face it, it's two in the morning, Lucy just kicked you to the curb, and you have clouded judgement. Tomorrow you'll wake up and realize that you've made a mistake with all of the buzz hanging over our heads."

"Logan, that won't happen."

"Go to sleep Kendall. Maybe then you'll realize that you aren't the best decision maker in the morning," I said. I didn't know what came over me. It was there and all I had to do was take it, but I didn't. "Don't make me a last resort," I whispered.

"I guess I am making a mistake" He said, getting out of my bed and getting in his. The room was separated. We were separated. "I'm sorry, Logan…"

I couldn't sleep for the rest of the time. I lied there, thinking about everything. Kendall was worried that I'd ruin it for him and Lucy. Now there wasn't a Lucy. So, did that mean that he actually thought about being with me, or is he just vulnerable and weak? I didn't want our friendship to fall apart by the chance that it actually was clouded judgement. I thought about everything until it was spinning around in my head. I had to go somewhere and do something even at such a late hour. I traded my pajama pants for jeans and slid on a pair of shoes, not paying attention to the brand or the color whatsoever.

"Where are you going?" Kendall asked, still awake. I would expect him to be able to sleep, but I guess I turned into Lucy, too. I denied him, made myself a hypocrite, and disappointed him. So, now he really had nowhere to turn.

"On a walk…"I said, tearing my shirt off and replacing it with another from my wardrobe. Kendall sat up in his bed.

"Can I come? Or would that be totally inappropriate after all _that?" _Kendall asked. I really didn't want him to, but if the same force that held everything back was present, then that meant the force that always made me say yes was there, too.

"Sure." I walked out and waited for him in the kitchen. I browsed the refrigerator contents for a after midnight snack, but found myself not hungry enough. Kendall came into the room, wearing a blue tracksuit jacket and some black pants. Here _I_ was just wearing some casual throw-together. "Are we going on a walk or to a photo shoot?" I shook my head, making my way to the door. "Let's go, Kendall Knight from Big Time Rush." He only chuckled. We walked out of the apartment, into the elevator, out of the lobby, and into the park, all while saying nothing. It really did feel awkward and all of it was my fault. Maybe Kendall could've faced it. Maybe it was worth risking our friendship. Maybe he did- I bumped into someone while I was deep in thought. "S-sorry."

"It's You, Logan and Kendall!" I finally looked up at the figure. Hopefully, he wasn't the paparazzi that we were expecting at this early of an hour. It was Xander, the person who waited upon us at Sue's Breakfast Bizarre. "Well, don't you two do _everything_ together."

"N-not really, he just asked to come," I said, pointing to Kendall in the most friendly way I could muster.

"Oh, okay," Xander said. "Well, since we're all walking, can I join you guys?" He asked it in a way that said 'You probably won't, but just in case?' "I understand if it's not a good time."

"Yeah, I guess. That's alright with you, right?" I asked Kendall. He simply nodded and kept walking.

"So, do you guys always walk at weird hours, or is this a special circumstance?"Xander asked. He sure had questions. I wouldn't be surprised if he was a reporter, himself.

"I came to think, Kendall just tagged along. What about you?" I asked, curiosity leaking out through my words.

"Well, two things. One, I'm eager to get to work, and two, my boyfriend broke up with me last night to go work on some movie in France for a few years. It's supposed to be the next _Benjamin Le Beau._

i don't really know how to take it," Xander admitted, shoving his hands in his pockets. I thought about Kendall and Jo when he said that. The same thing happened, kind of. Excluding the goodbye kiss.

"It'll all get better. Soon enough, you'll find someone else to give your heart to," Kendall said to Xander. "Trust me, I've been through it. At first it might seem like you have nowhere else to go, but you will."

"Thanks, Kendall." Xander smiled at Kendall and Kendall returned with the same huge grin he had when we were at the restaurant. What was that grin about, anyway? Did Kendall like Xander? It wasn't even a real grin. It was a goofy one. One that he always had around… Jo. "Now that we're past that, I know a coffee shop that opens this early in the morning, if you guys want to go-"

"That'd be amazing," Kendall said. I had to admit, I was getting a little bit jealous of his interaction with Xander. It felt just as it did when I hung around him and Lucy. And to mention that he didn't even acknowledge me during all this.

"What about you Logan?" Xander asked.

"Nah, I'm thinking I'm too tired. I'll just head back." I tried to back out. I really didn't want to deal with all of this in a tired state. Impulsive, angry Logan is sure to come out.

"They also have hot cocoa, if you like that." I shook my head.

"C'mon, Logie. Let's go get some coffee," Kendall said, finally. Probably because Xander wouldn't give up until I did. "You know you want to."

"Ugh, fine." I followed the chatterboxes until we arrived at this little coffee shop. It was dimly lit and definitely modeled to look like a place straight out of France. I walked in and sat at a table, not wanting a hot beverage. Kendall and Xander went and got their coffee and joined me minutes later.

"I can't believe they gave it to us for free," Kendall said.

"I know, this never happens when I come here alone. Maybe there's some special I don't know about," Xander replied, a smile on his face. _Yep, they clicked from the beginning, obviously. They aren't even paying attention to me… I could lay my head down on the table like a sad, depressed person and they'd still have something to talk about and not include me in the conversation. _I felt like a third wheel, even when I know Kendall said he was only gay for me. I blew it, though. "Kendall, you remind me of someone. I would tell you, but you'd probably freak out."

"Who?" Kendall asked, sipping his coffee, glancing over at me. I think he actually noticed my discomfort and slight jealousy because he smirked.

"My boyfriend who just landed a movie roll," Xander said. _He just did that. _He was hitting on Kendall. He knew about my blog and he was doing it in front of my face. Then again, I did put something in it last night saying I hope he finds someone and how we'll probably never be together. But, to do it right in front of me… I couldn't take it.

"Erm, I think I'll head out guys. I'm suddenly feeling really tired," I said.

"But, Logan," Kendall tried. _Oh no… I was going to explode. _

"_ But, Logan_. Nothing! I didn't want to come here in the first place because I knew _this_ would happen! And now you're just enjoying my being tortured by it! I'm going to go, okay. I don't want to be the one just sitting there feeling awkward as you two carry on with a conversation you don't include me in. This is just RIDICULOUS," I huffed and barged out of the coffee shop. When I was alone, I let all of the tears out. I tried wiping them away, but they just came back. What was the point? Kendall obviously liked Xander as much as he did me. Now, Xander's the last resort. I shouldn't have denied Kendall. I saw a bench in the distance and decided that I would just sit there and wallow in self-pity. I took out my phone and, through my tears, called James to come and pick me up. It went straight to voicemail. I masked my tears as a stranger walked by and as, they passed, I realized that I was being ridiculous, myself. Crying over Kendall and Xander. They were just hitting it off as friends did. If they really did like each other and started dating… That would be great for Kendall. I didn't want to be a passing stranger no matter what Kendall chose.

"Hey." I didn't even notice Kendall walk up. I assumed that Xander was with him, because I really didn't want to look up. Not yet, at least. He sat next to me and leaned forward clasping his hands. "Logan, I don't like Xander like that. If that was what that whole thing was about, back there. We just had a lot to talk about. You have nothing to be jealous about."

"I-I know K-Kendall. I just- don't think we do. So… I guess I am jealous."

"I don't get you Logan. You tell me you Love me, I react in a bad way. I tell you I have feelings, you deny them. I tell you I want something between us, you say you don't want to risk our friendship because of some stupid magazine and some stupid blog post. Well, you could say that I really liked Lucy, but she played me. Logan, I don't think we can be friends anymore." He did it again, revoking our friendship. "I want to be more, and if you don't, then I don't think we can be friends, let alone, best friends."

"So, you're making me choose between a relationship or nothing at all? Kendall, don't do this to me."

"I want this. You want this, why can't you just let it happen?" Kendall asked.

"It all happened because I _had _to tell you my feelings. You didn't even acknowledge yours until I told you mine yesterday." There was a small silence. "I really don't want to lose your friendship, Kendall."

"Then be my boyfriend, Logan. If you do and it falls through, I promise we'll keep our friendship," Kendall said. I didn't know how to respond. "I _promise,_ Logie."

"I-I can't."

"Yes you can!"

"How do you know you'll keep your promise?"

"Because, I don't want to lose you, either," Kendall said. I didn't know what to do. Either a relationship, or nothing. I think it was clear to say that a relationship was better than nothing. But, I didn't want it all to fall through, and, if it did, I wasn't sure if Kendall would keep his promise. But I guess I wouldn't get anywhere if I didn't… try. _Only good can come from it_. "Logan, will you be my boyfriend?" I nodded, through some unresolved tears and cried into his chest. "Shhh… I'm sorry I had to do that, but I know how stubborn you are and how much thinking goes through that head of yours." I chuckled

"Promise me something…"

"What?"

"That this won't be some short-term relationship. That you'll actually fight through all the comments and you won't just drop me when you get tired of it all."

"I promise. I thought it was implied, but I promise Logan."

**Bold it. Author's note it. Yeah, I wrote it. Don't you know it?**

**This was a very interesting chapter, wasn't it? I feel almost bad for doing that to Logan. But there's more to it. **

******I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. **Remember to review. They are really appreciated and keep me going. If you really like this story, you can Alert it or add it to your favorites.

**More to come and soon, too.**

**Vans N' Roses**


	7. A Really Bad Case of the Kendys

**I know this is a little late, but I don't owe an explanation for it or this story so... You aren't getting one.**

**__********Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**

"I think it's about time to head back," Kendall said, putting an arm around me and kissing my forehead. I shivered, still not used to the contact. "C'mon." We stood up and started walking towards the lights of the park in the distance. I couldn't help but lean my head on Kendall's shoulder. There was nothing I could do… It was happening even if Kendall was still confused. I stopped for a moment, causing a sudden jerk from Kendall as he kept walking. I pulled out my phone and checked the time. _4:01. All of this happened in almost an hour. _"Is something wrong?"

"N-no." I glanced from the phone screen to Kendall, giving a reassuring smile and putting my right arm around him. "I was just checking the time." I don't think I'll ever forget the time that morning. Walking home with my arm around Kendall and his arm around me. _4:01. _Leaning my head against is shoulder, sometimes stumbling and changing pace. _4:01. _A small breeze blowing throughout Kendall's dirty blonde hair. _4:01_. Everything perfect in a way. But would it last to 4:02, 7:00, or tomorrow for that matter?

"Why does the time matter?" Kendall asked, looking down at me. Did he really need to ask? I mean after all that's happened, I bet he would want to know the time,too, right? "Why does the time matter to you if all that matters right now to me is _being with_ _you." _I grinned, trying not to blush too much.

"Cheesy," I said as we reached the doors of the palm woods. We disconnected and, when we reached the elevator, I noticed the frown on Kendall's face. "What? It was. But, It was the good kind of cheesy." I embraced him, standing on the tips of my toes to kiss his nose. "Like cheddar. I like cheddar."

"Really? I didn't know that. I've never seen you eat cheese," He said, laughing. "I thought you were lactose intolerant."

"Nope, I'm a cheddar addict. So, keep it up." The elevator dinged and we both hopped in, pressing the button for the second floor. I didn't want to be too clingy, so I detached from Kendall and waited for the elevator to land on our floor. He grabbed my hand and interlaced our fingers, smiling at me when we stepped out. So, maybe he wanted clinginess in the first twenty-four hours that we'd be together. I was about to open the door to 2j when he stopped me, turning me around and pressing me against the door. He kissed me for the third time, and I had to admit, I was counting. There was so much passion behind it. It was like he was trying to prove to me that he actually did feel the way that I did. _Maybe he does._

When he pulled away, he said, "I just wanted to do that before we go in there." I wasn't the only impulsive one, obviously. "I was going to go insane. I wasn't sure if you wanted to tell everyone yet and, if you didn't, there might've been someone awake and I didn't want to for-" I pecked his lips to shut him up. _4._

"I'm not the only one thinking too much." I turned the doorknob and entered 2j backwards. We walked down the hall and into our shared bedroom. I changed back into my pjs and slipped into my bed while Kendall went into the bathroom to possibly change into something other than his fanciful going-out clothes. I silently chuckled to myself. When he came out of the bathroom, he had on a pair of black shorts and a grey wife beater. I wasn't surprised when he slipped right next to me and wrapped his arms around me.

"Goodnight, Logan."

"Good _morning, _Kendall."

* * *

_But he's really good at lying_  
_Yeah, he'll leave you in the dust_  
_'Cause when he says forever_  
_Well, it don't mean much_  
_Hey good girl _  
_So good for him_  
_Better back away honey_  
_You don't know where he's been_

_Why, why you gotta be so blind?_  
_Won't you open up your eyes?_  
_It's just a matter of time 'til you find_  
_He's no good, girl_  
_No good for you_  
_You better get to getting on your goodbye shoes and go, go, go..._  
_Yeah yeah yeah, he's low_  
_Yeah yeah yeah_

_Oh, he's no good, girl_  
_Why can't you see?_  
_He'll take your heart and break it_  
_Listen to me, yeah_

I finally woke up. I didn't know I was such a heavy sleeper that I would sleep through half of the song. I turned off my alarm and looked over my shoulder to see if Kendall was there. Hey, I was a vivid dreamer. I could've probably dreamed it all up. But nope, there Kendall was, asleep. I smiled. He was my boyfriend and he was sleeping in my bed. I faced him and kissed his nose, then his forehead.

"I wouldn't expect you to listen to music like that," Kendall said, rubbing his eyes and trying to wake up. I jumped slightly, at the abrupt waking. "Carrie Underwood. I know you moved to Minnesota from Texas, but, _Good Girl_?_" I shushed him and sat up crossing my arms._

_"_And here I thought we'd work," I said in a joking manner. "I'm going to have to ask you to get out of my bed, Kendall." Kendall put his arms around me, pulling me next to him.

"You're such a drama king." He laughed, kissing me. _5. _Again. _6. _And again._7. _And again. "Now, I think it's time to get up, before Gustavo kills us for being late… again. Unless you want to call in today. I think you look a little red. You might have a fever."

Laughing, I replied, "Oh really, I think I just have a bad case of the Kendys and… I have to admit, calling in sounds really nice to tired me."

"First, Kendys sounds painful. Don't use your nickname for me as an sickness," Kendall started. "and secondly, tired you is really cute."

"Okay." I yawned a bit, covering my mouth. "As much as I'd love to stop being cute, we really need to start getting ready, we only have a good twenty minutes before the limo gets here." I sat up and left the bed. "You should go eat breakfast."

"I should, but I won't. I have plans for a big lunch," he said. I stopped heading to the bathroom and turned around, hoping that I was giving a nice enough questioning look to get him to respond without me asking. Unfortunately, it didn't work.

"We have a fifteen minute lunch break. How much can you eat in fifteen minutes and with who, may I ask?" He shook his head, rising from my bed and walking to me. _Is it Xander? Does Kendall have plans with him since they couldn't finish their coffee last night?_ He laughed at me as I zoned out with my internal conflict.

"Xander. I have lunch plans with him." _I knew it!_ I was instantly angry and I'm pretty sure Kendall realized it. "And afterwards we're going to go buy promise rings and I'll move in with him." _Okay, now I officially feel stupid. _I diverted my gaze to the cluttered floor. "Logan, I'm going to lunch with _you_." He walked to his dresser. I stood there staring at my computer. Today was the day all would be crazy. Today was going to be the hardest day in our relationship and it was only the first day. I was shaken from my thoughts when Kendall hugged me from behind, kissing my neck and whispering in my ear, "It's going to be fine, now go take a shower."

"O-okay," I said, walking into the bathroom and getting ready. When I was finished showering, I walked out into our room and put on some black skinny jeans, a white t-shirt, and a thin black jacket that I'd probably regret wearing later because of the heat. _Might as well dress nicely if today's going to be a giant photo shoot. _Kendall walked in wearing some faded blue jeans and a light blue t-shirt. Way to be. "Did you shower?"

"Yes, I used Carlos and James bathroom. Did you use my shampoo, again?" I shook my head. "Too bad… you were starting to seem attractive like I am to myself." He went into the bathroom and fixed his hair.

"You've been hanging around James too much, Mr. Blue Jeans," I said.

"Says the boy dressing like he's going to a red carpet event," Kendall said. I blushed, and walked to my closet. I _was_ being ridiculous. Why dress up for an ordinary day? "I didn't say you should change." Kendall snuck behind me, scaring me half to death. "I actually think you look really hot in those jeans, Logie."

"I don't know, I think I'll change. I don't want to look too Hollywood," I said, taking off my jacket and throwing it to the side. "There, I think I look casual now." Was I really going to face the day? It seemed like it. But I didn't want to leave the doors of 2j. Kendall took my hand and made me follow him downstairs. Then, when we reached the bottom, he released my hand and walked into the kitchen, joining Carlos and James.

"Good Morning, boys," Mrs. Knight said. She grabbed an apple off of the table and placed it in her bag. "I'm going to be gone today. So, when you get home, you should order in. Katie's coming with me. You know the emergency numbers and how to get a hold of me. We'll be back later." She pulled Katie towards the door and, just like that they were gone. That was happening a lot lately. Sometimes I wondered what they were up to.

"Logan?" James asked as I entered the kitchen, paying attention to the distance between Kendall and I.

"Yeah?"

"Why did you call me at three in the morning?" he asked. I knew I would have to explain sooner or later, but I didn't want to seem like a loser. So, I made up the easiest way to cover it up.

"I fell asleep with my phone in my pocket," I said, knowing that he would accept the explanation and just carry on.

"But you were with me, then," Kendall said, "Remember… coffee. That was this morning, Logan, not last night."

"You guys were out at that time?" Carlos asked. "Why?" I really didn't want to tell them so soon, but I'd rather tell them then have them find out because of a magazine and paparazzi. _How will they react? Would they be disgusted? Relieved? Worried?_ I didn't want to tell them, but I decided to. However before I could Kendall decided to.

"We couldn't sleep, so we went for coffee."

"Why couldn't you sleep?" James asked.

"Lucy's dating someone."

"So why couldn't Logan sleep?" James had more questions than a reporter. He was quick on the draw, too, matching Kendall's reply time perfectly.

"I was asleep," I joined in. "but he woke me up for help and I couldn't go back to sleep with him like that."

"So, you went for coffee? Just the two of you?" James asked, once again, matching the reply time.

"Well, there was another person, but they are not to be named," Kendall said, looking straight at me and grinning.

"Why not?"

"Logan gets jealous," Kendall said, making the room silent. He explained the whole thing without truly having to. James sat there, mouth slightly agape, holding the spoon from his cereal. I elbowed Kendall playfully.

"So, you two-"

"Mhm… You got a problem with it?" Now Kendall was pushing it. James was just a generally curious person, he didn't really mean to ask all of the questions he did.

"No… but what? Logan Mitchell is gay? I mean I expected Kendall to be, but not Logan," James said. _Really, again? I'm getting tired of this._

"I thought the same thing when he told me yesterday! Except for the part about me! What?!" Kendall leaned on the island, overacting a little too much.

"So you two just started dating?" James asked, looking at my blushed face. I nodded and poured a glass of orange juice. He was intentionally making me uncomfortable and I knew it. "I can't say that I didn't see it coming. You were kind of a little too focused on Kendall since we moved here."

"You just said-" I tried.

"I was being sarcastic," James said.

"You obviously don't know how to be sarcastic." I noticed that someone didn't have very much to say in this conversation. Carlos was silently finishing his corn flakes eyes glued to a maze on the back of a cereal box. "Carlos?"

"Hmm?" He asked, mouth full, eyes darting around the maze as if it was the most intense thing happening.

"You don't mind me and Kendall dating, right?" I asked, pulling the cereal box away, watching his face as he shrieked.

"L-Logan! I was halfway through that! Now I'm stuck forever… Thanks," he said. I figured that he didn't even hear me. _This boy was something else_. "A-and no. I don't care. Do whatever you want." He hopped off of his chair and walked angrily out, going for the limo which was probably waiting for us already.

"Way to be a jerk face," Kendall said, playfully poking my sides. "All he wanted to do was finish the maze and not get stuck FOREVER." He grabbed the cereal box and walked to the door. "I'll wait for you out in the limo, Jerk Face." Kendall exited, so it was just me and James, who was grinning like a fool.

"What?"

"I think it's funny, is all."

"What's funny?" I asked.

"How disgustingly cute you two are and it hasn't even been a day yet." James was right. It hadn't been a day. Should I slow down? Were we going too fast? Then again, I have known Kendall for a long time and he is my Best Friend Boyfriend. I was about to ask James what to do when Kendall ran back inside the apartment, eyes red and teary. His breath was heavy. He looked me in the eyes as if he was saying 'I'm sorry.' Then, he ran up the stairs, slamming the door as he entered our room. I had never seen him so upset in my life."What's wrong with him?"

"The Paparazzi." _They got to him. I totally forgot; We were supposed to face it together. He said he could make it through all of this. I hope he's right. But, one comment with James and he tensed... Imagine a crowd of angry fans, paparazzi, and reporters. They don't even know that we're official... They just want me. "_Kendall, I'm so sorry," I said to myself, walking towards the stairs.

**It's finally happening. Now, I know I said I didn't owe an explanation for why this is so late, but I will explain anyway because, well, I don't follow my own rules; I'm a self-rebel. Anyway, I was really busy today with errands and stuff that I have been neglecting recently, like hanging out with my friends. I really want this to be something that is day-after-day. Having a chapter everyday, but I think I'll have to assign a resting period, so I can really think about what I want to happen and how it will. So, someday I will. XD Just not ****too soon.**

**I hoped you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it. If you really liked it, or the story in general, feel free to add it to your favorites or alert it. I will be writing as much as I can, and recently there was a time when I updated twice. So, know what that means? A new chapter will be up as soon as possible. **

**I really want to do a shout out... but I'm really not sure who I'd do it to... So, I won't. Easy enough.**

**Thanks so much for taking your time to read this. I really appreciate it. **

**OH, and I really appreciate reviews. They keep me going and I'd really like to know your opinion on this story.**

******Have a nice... night? Day? Whatever it is! ;^P**

**Vans N' Roses**


	8. I don't deserve to be here

**Explanation is delayed, like this chapter. Internet problems. Enough said.**

******__********Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**

"Reporters? What reporters?" James asked, grabbing an orange off of the table and tossing it in the air. "Are they wanting pictures of _the face?_" Just like James to think about his career even when Kendall just ran past almost sobbing.

"Not exactly… I have to go see what's wrong with Kendall." I didn't need to see what's wrong, though. I knew what was wrong. They got to him. All of the questions. All of the hate. He took it all… and without me. I took each step up the stairs as it was a trial; making every step count. By the last step, I almost talked myself out of going to Kendall. _What if he breaks up with me already? What if he doesn't want to see me right now? He slammed the door pretty hard. _My hand hovered over the doorknob, but before I turned it, The door opened and I was pulled into the room. "K-Kendall." He gave me a violent hug. I felt the tears hit my shoulder and I immediately began to hug him back. I let my hand travel to the back of his head. "I'm so s-sorry," I said, starting to cry myself.

"L-Logan there a-are protestors," Kendall said pulling away and finally looking at me. "T-they spat at me and said the worst things about you… I wanted to punch them all in the face, b-but-" He let a fresh set of tears fall.

"But what?" I asked. _Did they hit him? _I took Kendall's hand and squeezed it gently to comfort him. _What did they do to make Kendall like this? _His eyes were bloodshot and puffy. His nose was slightly running. Something had definitely happened out there, which made me scared to face it myself.

"They're right…" I let go of his hand, my mouth agape. He was going to do it. He was going to break it off, wasn't he? "This is wrong, Logan." I was prepared to barge out of the room, but I didn't want to hurt Kendall any more than he already had been. I just wanted all of this drama to go away. I passed Kendall and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind me. Kendall wrapped on it a few times pleading that I open the door and face him again. I sat on the edge of the tub and let it all go. All that I had been holding back in violent sobs. I watched my tears hit the white, tiled floor, gleaming as they fell through the air. "Logie, open the door."

"No." This time it came without hesitation. As if he hadn't any power over me and I could finally be in control. He added a please, making it even harder. "No, Kendall." I interlaced my fingers and stared at my hands. I'd never get to hold hands like that with Kendall. I'd never get to kiss him again and wake up to him right next to me. I'd never hug him the way I wanted to. I'd never comfort him the way I wanted to. But that was it. It wasn't all about what I wanted. It was also about what Kendall wanted.

"Logie, this might be wrong. But, I want to be with you, anyway. Now, please open the door." I sat there thinking about what he said. He probably just said it to get me to open the door. That's all he wanted. That look he gave me when he said, "This is wrong, Logan," was full of disappointment and sadness. "Logie, please." I heard his forehead bump the door and all I could do was sit there, paralyzed. Not sure of anything. "O-Okay. I understand, _Logan._ I'll just… go. I'm sorry." I heard the shuffle of feet walking away from the door.

"K-Kendall, wait!" I jumped up from the tub and ran for the door, unlocking and opening it. Kendall was still right behind the door, as if he never tried to leave. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and started. "You are so complicated. Why couldn't you tell me that before you shattered my heart into a billion pieces?" I playfully hit his chest, before embracing him like I was trying to keep sand from escaping throughout my fingers. "Don't do that, ever! Unless you completely mean it. I don't want to lose-" He kissed my forehead, then my nose, and finally my lips. "-you."

"Now, let's face this together," he said, taking my hand and leading me to the kitchen. James was missing. We must've been up there for a really long time, which only meant that we were really late. I walked by his side, out of the apartment and into the elevator. Kendall let go of my hand when the doors opened. I was a little hurt. There was someone on the elevator. "Lucy…"

"Kendall, how are you?" Lucy asked as we hopped inside. She paid no attention to me at all. Her focus was Kendall and Kendall only.

"I'm good," Kendall said, staring into her eyes, also ignoring me. _This always happens… Kendall never pays attention to me when he's with Lucy._ "How's it going with-"

"It's not." She looked down at her black combat boots, then back at Kendall. "Listen, I know I told you to move on and that you deserve better, but-" _Really? She was going to do that? Lucy was the only thing standing in front of me and Kendall getting together in the first place. What if he takes her back?_ _I was a last resort, anyway._

"Lucy, I'm already with someone," Kendall said. I looked at him like he was insane. He was going to tell Lucy. I put my hands in my pockets and bit my lip, leaning on the back wall and hoping the doors would open before Lucy asked.

"Who?" My heart was speeding up. If she knew she could twist everything so it would work out for her. I was almost having an anxiety attack.

"L-" Kendall finally looked at me and saw how distraught I was. "Logan, what's wrong?" _Well, it just took you forever to notice._ He patted my back in a friendly way.

"Wait, is it Logan?" Lucy asked. My heart dropped, leaving me with a horrible feeling of fear. There was a brief silence before I decided to nod. "Aaaaaw! I know I'm not one of those girls who would gush, but that's really cute, you guys! You're really lucky, Logan." She didn't react like I thought she would. Instead, I felt a lot better. The elevator doors opened and out went Lucy, "If you ever need anything feel free to call… There aren't any hard feelings, promise. Somehow, I saw it coming," She said. _Saw it coming?_

We walked out of the elevator and into the lobby. There weren't as many people as I expected. Just the regulars and Bitters. Unfortunately, when we stepped out of the building it was a different story. There were crowds of angry protestors screaming profanity, photographers, taking pictures of Kendall walking by my side, and reporters spitting out questions like, "Is the blog post yours?" and "Does Kendall know about your blog?" The small group of protestors were shouting about how we were idols and we were letting down our fans. The limo driver opened the door and I hopped in first, with Kendall close behind. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Maybe it calmed down after a while or Kendall really got hit hard with the thought of letting his fans down. Either way, I still felt that Kendall went through more than I had.

"What's this about a blog post?" James asked as we settled down in the limo. "I mean, all their questions were centered around a blog… I'm just assuming-" I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, really not wanting to explain everything.

"I-It's not important James," Kendall said, covering for me. "Logan's just getting a lot of… _that."_ I looked out the window, watching it pass the huge buildings and bustling crowds. All of their beauty. All of their simplicity. I'd never get to go back to that. That's what they always say, isn't it. 'There's no turning back.' Now I'm stuck in L.A. with my friends,famous, and I have nowhere to hide from the press.

"Can we go back?" I asked, mentally regretting it as soon as the words left my mouth. _I need to stop being so pathetic. The group matters, not just me and what I want._ Kendall took my hand and made me look at him. I tried to hide all of the sadness and guilt.

"What do you mean?"Kendall asked, concerned. He let go of my hand, putting his arm around me.

"It's nothing. I don't even remember what I was talking about. You know me; always thinking." _Boy, was that a lie. _I didn't want to get Kendall worried. I didn't want to get a lecture or a scolding from James, either. Kendall let go of my hand to put his arm around me.

"Part of me wants to believe you," Kendall whispered. "But somehow I know _you _know what you were talking about." _Um… An I Know You Know reference?_ I pouted, letting him win. "So, what were you talking about, Logie?"

"I don't want to talk about it, okay!" I said. I pushed him away, crossing my arms and staring out the window. I counted the red cars that passed by the limo until we arrived at Rocque Records. Then, when exiting the car I took Kendall aside while James and Carlos proceeded inside. "Kendall, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lash out. It's just, I've been thinking about all of this and I don't want it to hurt you. So, when I asked 'Can we go back?' I meant to Minnesota."

"We have to go inside," he said, pushing past me and walking inside. I followed behind him a considerable distance. Down the hall, to the right, down the stairs and finally in the recording studio.

"You're mad at me." I sighed, walking into the booth and grabbing my set of headphones. Kendall, who wasn't far behind, went for his, but I got to them first. "Kendall talk to me, please."

"I'm not mad, okay? I'm just thinking," Kendall said, going for his headphones. I kept them away, smiling a bit at how slow Kendall was. First his phone now these.

"About?" Kendall ran his fingers through his hair, stopping his efforts and glaring at me. I know he said he wasn't mad, but he was and I was pushing it.

"C'mon, Logan, Just give me the damn headphones," He said. I did push it. He _was_ angry now. I gave him his headphones and put my own down. I was being stupid. _All I do is hurt the people I love. Everything I do. I push Kendall away. I keep his stuff away from him trying to force him to talk. I write these stupid blogs that hurt EVERYONE in this band. I deserve all of this hatred. _I finally came to after staring at the floor for the longest time. Kendall, James, and Carlos had their headphones on and were ready for work. They were all waiting for me. _I make people wait._

"I-I-I need to u-use the" _Looks like I am a failure. Why am I even here?_ I couldn't even feel the tears, but they made my sleeve wet as I wiped them away. My throat tightened and I tried to force the rest out. "B-bathroom." I rushed out, watching all of the looks I was getting. Kendall didn't run after me, even when I wanted him to so much. _He's doesn't even care. He was thinking about breaking it off because I'm not worth it, wasn't he? He never did care, did he? I forced him to care and now he can't even play along. It was all fake, _wasn't it?I get to the bathroom door and walk past it. "I don't deserve to be here," I said to myself, walking up the stairs, to the left, and out the doors.

**Okay, I promised myself I wouldn't do this… But, the next chapter will be in Kendall's POV. No Explanations other than that. XP**

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as I did writing it! If you reaaaaallly like it, feel free to add it to your favorites or alert it. Sorry that it was delayed; My internet went out. **

**Also; I HAVE DIRECTV! EEEAAAAH No Big Time Mondays! NOOOOOO! Stupid Viacom. I'm seriously disappointed. :^( **

**Have a nice day, though. A new chapter will be up soon.**

**Vans N' Roses**


	9. It Goes Without Saying

**Nope, not today. - (I got a fortune cookie that said that. Boy, was I surprised. It must've been a fortune cookie on strike)**

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**_

Kendall's POV

"C'mon, Logan, Just give me the damn headphones," I said, immediately regretting it. I never cussed at Logan, but he deserved the cold shoulder for pushing me away, didn't he? He gives me the headphones and puts his own back on the wrack. I was about to apologize when James and Carlos finally walked in. Where they were to begin with, I didn't know, but part of me didn't want to know in the first place. Gustavo walked into the studio and slammed the door shut, making James drop his headphones and Carlos to put his on faster. Logan didn't move from his trance. He stared at the floor which, most of the time, meant he was over-thinking something. Maybe I shouldn't have done that to him. I slid my headphones on and sighed. James and Carlos started to stare at Logan until he realized that we're ready to record.

"I-I-I need to u-use the-" I barely heard him start. His eyes started to water and his face grew pale. He pulled on his sleeve and brought it up to his face, wiping away the tears. "B-bathroom." He exited as if the room was quickly losing air. I felt horrible, but how could he learn that I really do mean what I say? As much as I wanted to run after him and apologize, a piece of my pride kept my feet planted at the very spot closest to the microphone. He wanted to leave all of it instead of facing it with me. He didn't think I could handle it. When he said 'Can we go back,' then became defensive, I felt that he didn't trust me. That he thought I was playing him. I wasn't. I felt a lot for Logan and if it took this much to prove it to him, I'd do it.

"Kendall, shouldn't you go and see what's wrong… I mean, you are his boyfriend," James said, resting his headphones on his neck and messing with his hair.

"I'll talk to him after this."

"Talk to him now. Friends come first, remember?" Carlos said, almost pushing me out the door. Gustavo was surprisingly quiet as I passed by and walked out. I made my way down the red painted hall and to the closed bathroom on the right. Knocking softly, I barged inside. I went to the only closed stall and stood outside of it, looking down at my feet and trying my best to open up.

"Logan, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings; It's just, I really do like you and when you say and do the things that you did in the limo, it makes me think that you doubt it. That you think I don't like you. I do, Logan. I like you a lot, but it hurts to know that you think I'd do that to you; pretend to like you to spare your feelings. Logan, I'd never do that and I'm sorry for cussing at you. I know I promised not to because of your dad. So, please forgive me." I leaned a bit on the door, watching it creak open to reveal a vacant stall. "Logan?" He wasn't there. He didn't go to the bathroom like he said he would. I poured my feelings out to a door of a bathroom stall.

I walked out of the bathroom and, in my confused state, ran for the entrance. I ran out the doors and turned to the left, running past the Rocque Records sign and across the street. I ran almost a block towards the Palm Woods, feeling a bit awkward as I passed by the shops and cafes, when I finally saw _my_ brunette walking silently, looking down, and hugging himself. "Logan!" I slowed down as I approached him, catching my breath a bit. He didn't stop. He didn't even look at me. It was a hard blow to the heart. "Logie, please listen to me." I quickened my pace to step in front of him, blocking his path and causing him to bump right into me.

"I-I'm sorry, I wasn't paying- Kendall?" He glanced up at me, only to divert his gaze to the shoes he was wearing. "It's alright, you don't have to do this. You don't have to apologize. I deserve it. I just… don't d-deserve _this._" He flailed his hands, starting to cry again.

"Logan," I took both of his hands in mine, which caught his attention every time. "I'm not apologizing because I have to, I'm apologizing because I want to. I'm apologizing because I _need _to. I just ran this whole way after I poured my heart out to a bathroom stall, thinking you were in it. Not once did I think that it was an obligation. I need to Logan. Just please, let me talk."

"Kendall, I can't because I know you'll talk me out of it," he said, taking one of his hands away and letting it fall to his side.

"Of what?" I asked.

"I'm going back to Minnesota. I've realized I don't belong here. I've realized I don't deserve this I don't deserve this," he said, removing his other hand and continuing to walk down the sidewalk. I stopped him again, finding a bench to sit at and pleading that he take a seat.

"Logan, listen. First of all, I'm sorry for cussing at you… I know I promised not to after all that happened with your da-"

"Don't talk about it," Logan interrupted, staring at the sidewalk.

"O-okay. The next thing I need to talk to you about is this insecurity you have. Why can't you see that this isn't a lie; That I really do like you?" I asked.

"Because you don't," he said, slowly, "You're just my best friend and you want to spare my feelings…"

"Don't you know how much it hurts me?" Logan finally looked me in the eyes, his brown irises looked right into my soul, but didn't see what was there. "I really like you and I want to be with you, but I don't think I can stand you not believing it."

"Kendall, please…" Logan stood up and started to walk away. I ran to him, grabbing his shoulder and turning him around. He huffed and looked at me, eyes wet.

"Logie, can't you just believe me? Do it for me, please. I lo-" I caught myself before I made things complicated. I didn't even know how to define my liking to Logan. Was it love? We had known each other for forever. I had these feelings before, but I dismissed them; these strong feelings for Logan, but I never really knew how to place them.

"Y-you love me?" Logan asked, shocked.

"I think I might, but if you leave for Minn-" Logan wrapped is arms around me sobbing into my shirt. He really did have strong feelings for me also. I returned the embrace, kissing him on the forehead. "Shhh, don't cry." I rubbed his back, comforting him.

"I didn't m-mean to hurt y-you, Kendall. I'm s-so stupid," he said. How dare he say that. He was the smartest person I'd ever met.

"No you aren't, Logie. You're amazing and wonderful. Don't ever say you're stupid." I kissed his forehead again, holding him tight. When his breathing calmed, we separated. I put my arm around him as we started to walk back to Rocque Records.

"I'm not that amazing," Logan said as we approached the sign. I gave him a disapproving look and stopped him in his tracks.

"Yes you are, Logie and I love that about you. Why are you so modest?" I asked pulling him close until his face was inches away.

"I-I'm not modest. I'm realistic."

"I think you need to flick your ego off your shoulder and realize how spectacular you are," I said, grinning.

"So, I'm amazing, wonderful, and spectacular?" He chuckled, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks.

"Don't forget breathtaking."

"You never said that…"

"It goes without saying," I said, leaning in for a kiss. Right when my lips touched his, something made my heart stop completely in fear. A sound. Not just a sound, a flash even. I pulled away from Logan to see where it came from. There stood Griffin and two assistants behind the Rocque Records sign, holding not only a camera, but a video camera. He'd got the whole thing on tape. Logan looked at me as if he was apologizing. "Y-You knew about this?"

"No! I didn't, Kendall. I had-"

"Logan, why would you do this to me?" _He set me up for Griffin. He knew I'd run after him. _

_"_Why won't _you_ believe _me?_ I didn't have anything to do with this, I promise," Logan said, grabbing one of my arms with both hands as I started to walk off. "Don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you," I said, sighing. Then again, he was an honest person. Not once did he tell a lie. At least I don't think he did. "I'm sorry, let's just go inside."

"Don't you want to get the tapes and the picture?"

"It's going to get out there sooner or later… Why not now?"

**Thanks for reading! A new chapter will be up soon. So, look forward to it! if you want to, of course. :^P**

**I hoped you liked reading it as much as I did writing it. If you really did enjoy this chapter and/or this story, feel free to add it to your favorites or alert it.**

**Reviews are very much appreciated. They keep me going and tell me how well I'm doing with this story. So, review if you feel like it. **

**P.s. I do anxiously wait for them them :^) **

**Now, enough robot talk! **

**Vans N' Roses**


	10. Logattraction

**Explanations are withheld by the author.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush, its characters, settings, or anything affiliated.**

**Logan's POV**

"Why are you all smiles?" James asked me when we got back to the studio. It was one of those immensely great moments when Gustavo calls in the two that need to be more serious during the recording time. Kendall and Carlos goofed their way into the scolding- which meant _I_ didn't have to sit through it today. We stood outside Gustavo's office, both staring at the scene within.

"It's not a big deal," I said, trying not to bring a laugh into the conversation. I crossed my arms and smiled in at the blonde boy in one of the chairs before the grand desk of Gustavo. It was true. What happened twenty-seven minutes ago didn't matter too much. Griffin just had pictures of me and Kendall kissing. That's not too much of a big deal. _Who am I kidding? It is a big deal. Every little thing that gets out to the public increases the chance of breakup between me and that blonde on the other side of the glass who keeps looking at me every five seconds to see if I'm still here. Who keeps smiling that smile and showing off those deep green eyes. Okay, I should stop that. It makes me sound like a love struck fangirl. I'm glad that only I have access to my mind. It would be embarrassing if someone could hear these internal rambles._

"You sure? You barged out, like, minutes ago crying your eyes out and now you're staring and flirting with Kendall. And," he paused "You probably don't hear a word I'm saying." That was true, too. I wasn't listening, but I had enough brain to come up with a makeshift response.

"James," I turned to him, losing the staring contest I was engaged in. "I don't understand why it matters so much to you. Ever since he told you this morning, you've been nothing but questions. "

"Because I don't think dating Kendall is good for you," James said. I was a little thrown off. We were all best friends and the thought that James was talking Kendall _down_ struck me as odd. "You and I both know how this is going to end. I mean, this is day one and you already ran off in tears."

"You don't know anything, James."

"I know that you're going to get hurt…" James turned toward the window again. "…and I don't want you to." His voice quivered. It might've been a slip, but it had my mind going wild.

"Why not? You always jump at the chance to say 'I told you so,'" I said. "Just because I'm the smart one of the group, doesn't mean I don't have my dumb moments."

"All I'm trying to say is dating Kendall is the dumbest thing you've ever done. Just yesterday he was head over heels in love with Lucy. Now, you're just the second best option."

"Kendall told Lucy that we were dating this morning, after she tried to sink her claws in him." I said, defending our relationship.

"Because he can't back out of _this._" He made a motion with his hands towards me. "I bet you even pressured him into staying with you. Saying things like 'promise me' and pushing him away to make him want you even more. You know Kendall. You know everything about him. You know he won't ever break a promise. You know he wants people that aren't interested at first and to use that for your own personal gain, Logan?" He stopped and looked at me, coming a bit closer to my watery-eyes. "Logan, I'm sorry but you know it isn't right."

"I'm not using anything to get Kendall… he just _wants_ to be with me. There are so many things you don't know, James. Don't accuse me of things that you know I'd never do." It was a cold, silent time before James backed away. Then, suddenly, something clicked. "James… Are you jealous?"

"Of what?" he asked, not even giving a glance to me.

"Of my relationship with K-"

"No. I'm not jealous of _your_ relationship with _him_, Logan," he said, shoving his hands in his jean pockets and letting out a breath. "I'm jealous of _his_ relationship with _you._"

"I-I love him, James," I said. _It isn't possible. James can't like me like that. He's always about the girls. _James sighed and his shoulders sunk. It looked like I hit him with a baseball bat, pulling out 'love.'

"I wasn't expecting you not to… I know this won't end well and I don't want him hurting you. I didn't think liking you played a part, but I guess it does." He turned to walk away, but stopped to look back and say, "If you're _that_ willing to hurt yourself, I really shouldn't have said anything. Sorry, Loges." He walked away, heading to the Limo that was waiting to take us home. Kendall and Carlos came out of the office and took a similar path with me.

"What were you and James talking about? You guys looked like you were going to kill each other," Kendall asked out of what must have been pure curiosity. I forgot that he constantly looked out the window for me.

"Who's going to win the next prank wars." _Yeah, that covers it. We all argue about that._

"Oh… You must've been defending yourself to the max if it led to crying." Kendall rolled his eyes, stopped walking, and grabbed my arm to stop me. Carlos kept walking. He was stuck in his little world. "Seriously, What's wrong now?"

"Nothing should be wrong! That's what's wrong. It's our first day dating and there are more bad things that have happened than there are good!" I didn't mean to yell as loud as I did then, but it was enough to catch Carlos' attention as he made his way through the doors. Kendall ran his fingers through his hair. He sighed softly and I could feel the depression rise.

"Wow… I'm sorry, Logan." He paused, glancing down at the red carpet below. "I screw up a lot of things, don't I?" I couldn't bring myself to spit any type of response out. I just stood there like an fool, mouth agape, staring at Kendall's forehead because I lacked the courage to look into his eyes. _He just got yelled at by Gustavo… Now me_. "I do… I'm such an idiot." Kendall tried to walk away, but I couldn't let this day get any worse.

"Kendall, stop I didn't mean- I-I didn't mean it like that. You aren't screwing anything up. If anything, I'm causing all of it." I took one of his hands in mine. "We'll just try to make it through this day and start over tom-" _Kendall and his abrupt kissing. I'm not complaining, I just wish that someday I'd get to actually finish. _Kendall wrapped his arms around me and pulled away. "morrow." I giggled.

"I'll look forward to tomorrow, then."

"We should go get in the limo before it takes off without us," I said.

"We could always walk."

"Let's go," I pulled him to the door.

* * *

**James POV**

"So, Logan knows…" I had no one else to rant to. Lucy just happened to be free when we got back from the studio. I didn't like blurting everything to someone who could possibly use it against me, but Lucy was different. Hot, yet different.

"Knows what?"

"I've been rambling to you for an hour about my Logattraction. What else would Logan know about?"

"Possibly the fact that you've hooked up with every actress on the third floor…" She said, going through her mini-fridge and pulling out a container of yogurt. "Believe me, if he knew about _that_ you'd definitely have to be worried."

"But I practically told the guy I was jealous of him and Kendall."

"And what did he do?" Lucy asked, pulling a spoon out of a drawer near the mini-fridge.

"He pulled a 'I love him, James' and I almost started bawling at his feet." I plunged onto the small couch covering my face and whining.

"They are _already_ saying 'I love you?' I know they've known each other since kindergarten, but platonic love and loooove are two different things. It should take more than a day to establish that." She took a bite of her yogurt and sat down on a chair opposite to the couch. "Trust me, they're going way too fast. I bet even the paparazzi believe it's a publicity stunt. I mean, that kiss that was released online looks like neither of them even wanted to-"

"There was a kiss released?" I jumped up and grabbed my phone out of my pocket.

"Yep, at least an hour ago from an anonymous source. Half of the fans are calling it fake." I searched the internet for the picture, but when I found it, I felt no better than before. They were really into it no matter what Lucy said. Logan loved Kendall and I loved… no one.

"Wow."

"That's what I thought at first… Kendall seems like an amazing kisser."

"You should find out."

"James, I don't think breaking Logan's heart is what you want to do."

"You're probably right…"

"Probably?"

"I'll see you later."

"James!" She couldn't stop me in time. I was already elevator bound to 2j.

* * *

**Logan's POV**

"We never went out for lunch, did we?" I ask Kendall, who sat on the couch watching some reality show. He wasn't paying attention to it, though. More of staring blankly at the television set. "Kendall?" He must have been deep in thought. I walked over to him, straddling him awkwardly. I was still new to that, okay?

"What are you doing?" Kendall asked, laughing at me.

"I'll have to admit, it went smoother in my mind," I said. Kendall pecked my nose and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"I think it's cute." Kendall smirked and pulled me into a passionate kiss. I grabbed his shirt with both hands and pulled forward, deepening it. I felt like I couldn't control myself. Kendall pushed me off slightly. "Wh-What if someone comes up? We haven't talked about PDA." Kendall said, panting.

"You're right." I leaned in close to his ear and whispered, "We'll continue this later." Then, I rolled into the seat next to Kendall. "We never went out for lunch, did we?" I repeated.

"Ugh! I forgot." Kendall threw his head back in frustration. "Kelly was going to that sub place down the street and I asked her to get me something. I totally forgot about our plans! Why do I have to be so-"

"Don't worry! I forgot, too. My lunch break was spent in the lobby reading."

"You didn't eat?" Kendall asked, immediately sitting up and turning to me. I shook my head. "Why?"

"I don't really eat lunch. I stopped our sophomore year," I said, looking to the television. It was a rerun of _New Town High_. Unfortunately, this episode had Jo Taylor in it.

"Logan, you need to start eating lunch. Even if I have to take you out _everyday," _Kendall said. I thought back to why I stopped eating lunch my sophomore year; my crush on Kendall.

* * *

_"_Are you going down to lunch with us Logan?" Kendall asked. Lunch was the only time that Kendall and I had any time together. We didn't share any classes and lunch was where we got to actually hang out for an hour or so. It was only when I started to notice the little things about Kendall that I liked a bit too much that I started to make excuses such as:

"No, I packed mine," I lied. "I think I'll stay up here today." _ And the next… And the next. _

Kendall never asked why I stopped going down to the cafeteria or why, when they came to sit with me for the last five minutes of lunch, I didn't have a lunchbox sitting near me. I thought I was abnormal. Guys didn't think of other guys the way I was doing. I remember calling Kendall 'perfect' out loud and accidentally doodling his name on a test, which I crossed out and doodled over. Pen should never be used to doodle. I'm positive that Mr Webber could see Kendall's name through the box I made. I thought that the best way to get over this was to spend a lot less time with Kendall. It didn't work, though. I stopped going to lunch, but he ended up needing a tutor for Algebra and I, being his best friend, had to help him out. I wasn't heartless… I just had a no vacancy sign on my heart that I wished would fade.

Soon, I saw lunch as unnecessary and stopped eating it completely.

* * *

"And I will if I have to," Kendall continued. It might've been because he thought I was ignoring him. "W-Wait… Sophomore year? You said you were bringing your lunch everyday."

"I l-lied."

"Why? You know that lunch was our thing; the only part of the day that we saw each other!" Kendall was hurt, I could feel the sadness in his voice. "That's why I started to fake failing algebra, you know."

"You were faking?" I turned my head and looked at him. His face was red with embarrassment and he smiled.

"It's easy to turn an 'B' into an 'E.' Besides, you were avoiding me and it was the only way I'd get to hang out with you," Kendall said.

"Why did you even want to anyway?"

"You were my _best friend_… and that was when I- uh… never mind," he quickly avoided my eyes and reached for the remote.

"Kendall, tell me."

"I guess it was when I started to like you… in a not-so-friendly way," Kendall said, turning off the television and setting the remote back down. "I couldn't take not spending time with you."

"We were neighbors."

"The street was always too busy to walk across," Kendall shifted to the seat right beside me. "And you didn't want to see me outside of tutoring. You made that clear with your "I actually have a pretty tight schedule now, I don't think we can hang out." He paused before asking the question that I knew would come sooner or later. "Why were you avoiding me?"

"For the same reason that you wanted to spend more time with me." Now that I thought about it, Kendall and I would have been more than friends before all of this if I hadn't pushed Kendall away. "I liked, and still like, you way too much."

"Well, I like you way too much, too, Logan Mitchell." And just like that we were back to kissing on the sofa. It was going so well before the door clicked open. I heard a gasp that sounded like it came from Mrs. Knight. Kendall pushed me off and looked over at the door. Mrs. Knight dropped her bags. Not only was Mrs. Knight in the doorway, but James. Katie must have been in the lobby, because I didn't see her. James looked shocked and… sad? He slowly made his way up the stairs and to his room.

"S-s-so the rumors are true?"

**Okay… End o Chapter**

**Remember to review… since you've read already and I'd really like your opinion. The rest of the normal ramble is implied. **

**Sorry it took so long. I've been really busy recently. **

**Vans N' Roses**


	11. Way Too Fast

**So, I've done this with He's So Gone and I guess I can bring it back somewhat. One lucky reviewer will get a reply every time. So,**

**Today's review is from **_SweetyBird282 _**in which she states about Chapter 10 (Logattraction): **_"_I really like this chapter and that little plot twist where James likes Logan too :) I feel bad for him though, it must be painful for him to see Logan and Kendall together. But overall a really good chapter :) and PLEASE update soon! :)"

_**My reply; **_

_**Well hello there, SweetyBird. I'm awfully glad that you liked the last chapter and I hope you'll continue liking the story. James. Yes, I have a lot planned for the sudden James twist. I wasn't planning it at all at first. I actually surprised myself at it. But, when I started thinking about it, I couldn't get it out of my head. So I added it to my plan of Angsty madness! Mwahahahaha. Normally, I'm strictly Kogan, but I felt like adding in some drama with James or Carlos. Oh, and thanks again for the compliments. I'll update as soon as possible ;^P (which is going to be slightly harder than normal, considering I'm starting my fall classes).**_

**Thanks to all of those who commented/reviewed. I really do love to read them all and see the feedback. And I'd also like to thank all of these wonderful people for following, alerting, and reviewing**_, _t**he story. I do check my favorites and Alerts every once and a while and I smile every time someone is added to the list. I'm so appreciative of my readers and I hope I can keep you all.**

**Well anyway… To the story with your bad selves! XD Oh, and there is a part in here that may sound slightly stoopid... hehehe reference... but anyway, don't stop reading when it happens. There's a lot more that happens after those words are spoken. And not of the good variety. **

**Kendall's POV**

"S-S-So the rumors are true?" Mrs Knight asked, still frozen in her spot at the entrance of 2j. She seemed not to care about the carton of newly-cracked eggs making a mess on the floor or the frozen items that looked as if, if they weren't refrigerated, they would spoil very soon.

"M-Mom, Uh. This isn't what it-"

"I think it is. You were kissing Logan!" She shrieked walking closer to me and Logan.

"It was an accident!" I lied. As soon as the words escaped my lips I looked to Logan, whose expression changed from light and happy to low and dark. _Crap! Now he thinks that I'm calling all of this a mistake, doesn't he?_ He moved away from me and walked into the kitchen, his head hung low and I think I saw the developing tears in his eyes.

"Good." This was what always happened. Mom's sensitive subject was being gay. She tried not to show it and calmly said "Okay," but when it came to me… She couldn't take it. "I mean- W-Wait. First, I have to clear something up. Th-There's nothing wrong with being gay. I still love you if you are, but you have to know that this will change your life completely. A-and I just don't want that for you, Kendall. I don't want all that hate directed towards you."

"Don't worry about it, mom."

My mom let out the breath she was holding and, with a too-calm-to-be-true voice, said, "I won't." Which I knew meant "_I have to."_

Logan returned from the kitchen. His eyes were red, but he put a smile on his face to fake an "I'm okay." He walked near the couch and whispered,"We… need to talk, again." Then, he went upstairs to our shared bedroom.

I didn't want to make my mom suspicious, so I waited for Logan to go to our bedroom, helped Mom with the groceries, then slowly made my way to our bedroom. I turned the knob, opening the door to the one and only Logan. "Logan, before you say anything, I didn't mean what I said. I know I screw-"

"It doesn't matter, Kendall." He didn't even look at me. "I don't care that you called kissing me an accident…" He might've been saying this, but he definitely wasn't meaning it at all. He took a ragged breath then looked at me right in the eyes with his watery ones. "We're starting over to-" He couldn't get it out, he choked on a sob and broke down right in front of me.

"Tomorrow," I finished for him. I ran over to him and side-hugged him, kissing him on the top of the head and telling him "It's going to be fine, I promise." _A promise I hope I don't break._

"N-No it's not, Kendall. H-how do we know it w-wont end up like today!" He was growing more angry than sad, but kept his voice low and his expression the same. "K-Kendall, I don't know if dating you is the best thing for me or you… or anyone."

"W-Wha- Are you breaking up with me?" Logan brought his knees to his chest and nodded. And that was when the waterworks began. I don't remember ever crying in my life besides then… with Logan.

"I l-love you, Kendall. You don't know how much I don't want to." He stared at the floor.

"T-Then don't." My voice cracked and Logan noticed immediately. He stood up and gave me the biggest hug. We both needed it I could tell. "I love you, Logan."

"I know… But, this is too much. James was right." The last part he said in a soft whisper, which I picked up slightly.

"James?"

**James POV**

I stood in my room listening to Kendall and Logan "fight." I knew it was cold of me. I knew I'd have that on my conscience for a long time, but I _needed_ Logan. I needed the brunette by _my _side, I always thought that he'd fall for me. That Logan Mitchell would see me in a light other than friendship. Turns out he was staring _past_ me and not _at_ me like I thought, The only thing I could do was call Mrs. Knight about the rumors in Hollywood. She never read our reviews or the gossip about us, so when she came home "as soon as possible" I knew that she had a problem with it.

Kendall always cared what his mom thought. He wasn't controlled by her but, when it came to being gay, it was something she never introduced to him. Carlos and I actually had to tell him that things like that existed. He went home in fifth grade and we got in trouble. Jennifer Knight wasn't very accepting of it, which wouldn't be expected. She was kind and sweet, but underneath the surface she held this intolerance. It was expected of Kendall to say it was a mistake. I stood with my ear against the wall listening to the bickering on the other end.

"I know," said the muffled voice of Logan. "But this is too much. James was right." It was happening; he was breaking up with Kendall. I kind of felt bad. I felt like I was tearing their love apart.

"James?" Kendall asked. "James, if you haven't noticed, doesn't have the skill to give advice. We can make it through this." _Doesn't have the skill? What?!_

"I-I don't know."

"_Please, _Logan, give me another chance. Just tomorrow. If everything doesn't go well. Y-you can… dump me." _No, don't do it Logan. _

"Kendall… fine… But I expect you to tell your mom about us." _No. _There was always tomorrow, but something felt wrong about all of it. I shouldn't have even done the first plan. Now I was a horrible person. A horrible person who had a chance to stop. Would I?

**Logan's POV**

"K-Kendall, fine… but I expect you to tell your mom about us," I said, knowing that it was easier to tell him to do it than actually get him to do it. The way he pushed me off of him when his mom was in the doorway was horrible. Was I that disposable? "Kendall, you know she'll have to know sooner or later."

"I'd go with later." Kendall sat on the bed next to me. "Logan, you don't know why she's like this and I really need to tell you..." He put a hand on my knee, signaling me to turn and face him. We shifted so that we were across from each other. I sat criss-cross while he had his legs hanging off the bed.

"O-okay, then tell me."

"D-don't get angry that I didn't tell you, Logie," he said. I nodded and he took a deep breath. "My dad cheated on my mom… with …"

"With who?"

"With another man," he said. Something in the back of my mind told me that he was still hiding something. Of course, that would explain why Mrs. Knight wouldn't be so fond of the idea, but who was the other guy?

"With _who,_ Kendall?"

"Please, Logie, you'll overreact," he said. I stared at him, focusing on his nose instead of his eyes. His eyes… I couldn't say no to them. If he asked me not to ask who, I'd obey. The curse was still there even if I didn't give notice of it.

"Kendall, tell me." I didn't think it would be this hard to get information out of Kendall. This was a very touchy subject. Why was Kendall trying to protect me from something that had _nothing_ to do with me.

"I-I promised I wouldn't."

"It was my dad, wasn't it?" It was a simple guess. A farfetched, wild guess that resulted in a raised eyebrow and a 'how did you know?' "I didn't… My dad's not gay, Kendall."

"Alcohol makes people do many things they'd never do."

"So… My dad and your dad... That's awkward," I said, stifling a chuckle through gritted teeth.

"That's why my mom divorced my dad. H-He had a boyfriend outside of the marriage. Not your dad, but someone else," Kendall said. He was talking about what he never wished to talk about. "That night was the worst ni-" I hugged him, trying to squeeze all of that depression and sadness out that just switched his face from flush to pale.

"Kendall, you don't have to," I said, pulling away. "I don't want you to talk about something you don't want to."

"Th-Thank you, Logie." He slowly leaned in for a kiss, but before his lips touched mine, my phone rang. _James._

"H-Hello?" I felt rude. Kendall leaned away.

_Logan, I have a questionnaire that I need you to answer._

"This isn't a good time." I looked at Kendall mouthing "I'm so sorry."

_Please!_

"O-Okay, fine." I gave up. Maybe I could finish it quickly so I could get back to Kendall.

"Okay, if someone said that you had to choose one type of candy for the rest of your life would it be hard, soft, crunchy or-"

"Hard. You know that," I said, cutting him off and anticipating the next question._What kind of questionnaire is this?_

_That what?_

_"_I like that stuff," I said, failing to remember what the candy was called. We always had it on special occasions, like the fourth of July...

_Salt Water Taffy?_

"Yeah, that." I let out a sigh. "That's soooo good."

_You know that it wasn't supposed to be hard, right? Anyway... Next question. What color are your boyfriend's eyes?_

"I feel like I'm cheating… He's right next to me, you know." When I turned to look, Kendall suddenly got up.

_O-Oh, sorry. I'll just get the rest from you later, then._

"Alright, we'll continue this. Bye." I hung up and looked back to Kendall, who glared at me in… disgust? "W-What?"

"What was that about?" Kendall asked. He angrily got up from the bed obviously not wanting to be near me.

"James wanted me to fill out a questionnaire on the phone," I said, trying to calm him down.

"Right, because you would admit you were cheating on a questionnaire… I don't think that's possible! A-And you said I was right here, it just makes no sense" he said. He took a deep breath and sat back down. "Logan, a-are you cheating on me? P-Please be honest… I can't take it… being lied t-" _I _kissed _him _this time. Mostly to shut him up, but also to prove that I'd never cheat. I didn't want this day getting any worse. There were some strange forces trying to tear us apart and they almost succeeded. I pulled away just a small bit, to look in his eyes and see his expression. His face was wet. He was crying for a reason unknown to me. He quickly wiped the tears away, afraid to show vulnerability, as always.

"What's wrong, Kendy?" I asked, pulling out the nickname. I pushed him on his back and positioned us so that we were lying down facing each other. "Kendy, what's wrong?" I sounded like a little kid, but threw the thought away. My boyfriend was crying and if that comforted him, I'd call him that for the rest of time.

"I can't believe I did t-that," he said, diverting his attention.

"What?"

"I know you'd never do it and… I doubted you."

"It's alright. I still love you." I brushed his bangs to the side and pecked his lips. "Kendall, I have a question to ask." I didn't know why it popped in my mind, but it was wanting to come out. I definitely wanted to know.

"What?"

"If I asked you to marry me _right now_, what would you say?" He was caught off guard. I had to admit, I was too. I didn't really want to ask it. I was going to cover it up before I made a fool of myself, but something in my gut told me to ask. Maybe it was because he was weak and I was strong for once.

"M-Marry? L-Logan, are you-"

"Crazy? I guess… now that I think about it."I laid on my back, sighing. He might break up with me for that. "I shouldn't have asked th-"

"Serious. I was going to ask if you were serious." I turned back to him, surprised. "A-Are you asking me to marry you, Logan?"

"Kind of… in a way." I could feel my cheeks flush. It was a hypothetical question, but I was _almost_ asking him.

"I'd say yes. We've been together since birth. Just because we haven't been in a relationship for a long time doesn't mean anything to me. _You _mean so much to me… I love you and I'd marry you," he said, pulling me towards him and bringing my face closer to his. "Will you marry me?"

"K-K-Kendall, I asked 'would' not w-will."

"I know," he said, making me shiver. It had to be a dream. "I'm asking you to marry me, right now. S-So, Logan Mitchell, will you marry me?" he asked softly.

"Kendall… I love you, but it has only been a day. We've been through hell. We've taken on things that a normal couple would have to deal with months into the relationship. We almost lost it all, but we didn't. We have agreed that we'd start over tomorrow because of all these _forces_ that are against us being together." I took a breath. "I don't think we should start over. I don't-"

"Logan Mitchell, Will. _You_. Marry _me_?" Kendall was getting impatient. Maybe out of insecurity.

"Yes, Kendall. I'll marry you." I chuckled, thinking that he was just being silly and taking my question to the extreme. That was until he got up and started digging through the top drawer of his nightstand. He shuffled through the paper and other objects until he grabbed a black box out of it. He came back to me and laid the box on the bed. It wasn't quite a shoebox, but it wasn't small either. He opened it and immediately grabbed for another black, felt box that made my heart stop. It scared me. It was a ring box. He was being serious. "Ken-"

"W-Wait, let me do this properly, please." I sat there on the bed, tears threatening to fall because I knew that, even though I talked as if I was ready, I wasn't. I wasn't ready to get engaged to Kendall. I loved him and I _would_ marry him and hoped it would happen sometime in the future, but not now. He kneeled, getting on one knee and holding out the now open box, revealing the silver band. It was beautiful. The ring had just one emerald and a series of diamonds surrounding the circular base. "Hortense Logan Mitchell, will you marry me?"

I started to sob. There was no turning back. Why did I ask that? Now if I said no, that would break Kendall's heart. I didn't want to lose him. But, then half of me wanted to say yes. I loved Kendall and I knew that we'd get married someday, so why not be engaged until then? I didn't know what to do. I wiped the tears away and took a breath. "Y-Yes, Kendall Knight, I will." This was crazy. Were we really getting engaged just a day into the relationship? Everything seemed to be going way too fast. But Kendall was right when he said we had been friends since birth. I was just a little bit older than him. When he was born, my mom and his mom were neighbors, which meant constant playdates that, little did they know, would turn into real dates that I hoped to have soon. I know Kendall better than anyone. I love him. Why shouldn't I? Kendall put the ring on my finger, making sure the emerald was face up. I came to realization then. I was officially engaged to be married with Kendall.

"Th-This was my grandpas… He told me that it was his good luck charm because, every time he wore it, good things started happening. I want those good things for us, Logan," Kendall said. "I love you."

"I l-love you, too, Kendall," I said, still staring at the ring. I lifted my gaze to Kendall and kissed him. He was everything to me and now I was everything to him. We might've been going way too fast, but I could tell we were headed in the right direction. That's all that mattered, then. Until my rational side came into play. _It has been a __**day**__ Logan. There is no way that this is going to work out. Maybe you should delay this. You're the one who mislead Kendall to assuming that this was necessary. AND on top of all that. Kendall was saving this ring for someone special. Someone not you. You can't lead Kendall on by making him think that you actually wanted this today. You need to tell Kendall you don't feel this is right, instead of tainting the ring. This is all just WAY TOO FAST. No Engagement, Logan. No. You need to make sure that tomorrow will work. Remember starting over? How can you do that if you're engaged. Besides, you don't want to marry Kendall. You know this is wrong. You know that Kendall is just doing all of this because he wants to keep you here. Who knows? Maybe he is in cahoots with Griffin. Maybe he's lying. Kendall is a good actor. He wouldn't tell Mrs. Knight and he probably will never. You're just an experiment. You're just Operation Get Logan Not To Leave. No engagement. Not until all of this fantasy is proven. Not until you know this is real. _ "B-But I-I can't do this."

_"_W-What?" Kendall smile went immediately to a frown. "Logan, what do you mean, "I can't do this?"

"Kendall," I said, not looking at him. "I don't think this is the best idea."

"Marrying me or…"

"I-I don't think that getting engaged makes sense… it's been a day, Ken," I say, taking off the ring and placing it on the box. When he tries to argue, I interrupt him. "Stop… I don't want this, okay? I don't want to get engaged."

"I-Is it that or do you not want-"

"To date you? Maybe not that either," I said, still avoiding his gaze. I didn't mean to say it, but I couldn't take it back. Kendall froze and stared at me.

"I was g-going to say marry me yet…" Kendall looked down and rubbed his eyes, taking a breath. "Logan… y-you are the most- Ugh. I can't- I just… If that's what you want after all this, fine. I don't care." Kendall shoves the ring back into the box and throws it back into the drawer. "I don't care… L-Let's just pretend none of this ever happened. Oh, except one thing." I was too scared to move, Kendall wasn't to be messed with when he was angry. "I hate you… and don't bother talking to me about this. I'm tired of all of this drama. I'm tired of you." _He's tired of you. He hates you, Logan. It's all your fault. Why couldn't you just give in? _

"K-K-Kend-"

"No! I don't want to date you, anyway. I want Lucy. I've always wanted Lucy. How about that?" _There it is. _It was as if he shot me in the heart. Even though I knew it wasn't completely true, the dread and sorrow was immediate. He knew exactly which cards to play. _So you WERE second choice. Not surprising. No one wants little Logan._

_"_Kendall!"

"Not so fun to have a broken heart, is it? Not so fun to care about someone and hear that they don't want to date you. Logan, I don't care anymore. Go back to Minnesota. Don't write in your stupid blog. Do whatever. I'm done with this." He turned to the door and reached for the doorknob.

"Kendall, I didn't mean-" I tried.

"I don't care…" He said, exiting the room. I could hear his footsteps down the stairs. I could hear the apartment door slam. I sat, thinking about all that happened. All of it _was_ my fault. I slipped up by saying that I might not want to date Kendall and now it was over. The best and the worst day of my life… done.

"You've won!" I screamed at the ceiling. "Happy?" I stood up and grabbed the handle of my suitcase underneath the bed. I slid it out and opened it. All the clothes were still in it as if I subconsciously knew that I would be leaving anyway. Nothing was stopping me this time. No Kendall. No James. I grabbed what was left of my things and closed the suitcase. Kendall hated me. James was right. This was all too fast. I needed a break. I needed to get away. Back to Minnesota. Back home. My real home. Where I first fell in love. Where all of this wasn't. Where engagements were _rational_. I scribbled a note out in a notebook and threw it on the bed for Kendall. Even if he didn't care, I felt he needed to know. I still loved him, after all. I took my suitcase in my right hand and walked out the wooden door of our bedroom, into the dimly-lit hallway, down the stairs and, sneaking past Mrs. Knight, out the door. When the door shut behind me, I whispered "goodbye" and went for the elevator.

**Kendall's POV**

_It was stupid to propose… He was right; this was going way too fast. I just got caught up in the moment and ruined everything. _That's why I was mad. I ruined everything. It wasn't him, as much as I tried to make him feel guilty. It was me for taking some little hypothetical question and blowing it out of proportion. Of course he wouldn't want to marry me. Not yet at least. We just need to date longer, is all. Then do something like that in a few years. Oh, and I wasn't really into Lucy at all. I just said that to get to him. It was a jerk move, but what else could I do? He stabbed my heart with an ice pick and expected me to be okay with it. I'm not trying to say I wouldn't be… I'd try to make the best out of it, but thinking of being without Logan hurts badly.

I was pacing the lobby, noticing the people stop to ask me what's wrong. I didn't want to explain everything. I wanted to apologize and act like none of it ever happened. I stopped my pace, walked to the elevator, and hit the button. The doors opened and I made my way to 2j; where I hoped to see my… best… friend and apologize to him. I opened the door, ran up the stairs and into our room. "Logie?" There wasn't an answer. "Logie," I said, opening the bathroom door. No one. I finally looked at his bed, the bookshelf, and the nightstand. His alarm clock was gone. His small collection of books vanished from the shelves. The suitcase underneath his bed; gone. Then I found the note on the pillow. "No!"

_"Kendall,_

_Not Dear Kendall or Kendy or anything like that because, I know you're mad at me and will refuse them."_

_"_N-No I won't, Logie." I shivered. I'm the one who messed up. He should be mad at me.

"_To start,_ _I'm sorry I didn't want to be engaged to you yet. I think that it's way too soon for that and I hope someday you'll understand and we can be… acquaintances again."_

_"_I know it was way too soon! Please."

"_And, you also got your wish. I'm not writing in my blog anymore. So, I'm headed back to Minnesota before I'm sent off forcibly. I need a break from all of this. I need to go home. Hopefully all of that hollywood publicity stuff will go away soon, so you won't have to worry about it anymore. I know it messed up your chances with Lucy, and I'm sorry for that too. I guess, now, you can date her freely and stop acting like you love me."_

_"_It wasn't an act." I felt like correcting the letter. Like I was provided with all that Logan was feeling.

"_This all shouldn't have happened. I can't write much longer or James will come talk me out of it. Then again, you might come up and try something again to get me to stay. I'm leaving… I guess that's all I really need to say, anyway. That and sorry. I'm sorry for everything, Kendall. I'm sorry that I loved you. I'm sorry that I made you hate me..._

_P.S. Please don't run after me. I'm not worth the trouble._

_Signed,_

_Hortense Logan Mitchell"_

I didn't care if he asked me not to run after him. I did. I ran out of the building and into the street stopping the first taxi I saw. I didn't want the last thing I said to Logan being "I don't care." I wanted it to be, "I love you." When we arrived at LAX, I paid the driver and ran inside, hoping to find Logan. I scanned the crowd for his face, but found no one. I ran to the counter, cutting in line to ask, "When's the next flight to Minnesota."

The blonde woman behind the counter said,"If you hurry, you might be able to catch the one that leaves in twenty minutes."

"O-Okay, how much is the ticket?" I didn't care how much it was, truthfully. I had the label's credit card. Before she even said how much, I handed her the card and my i.d. She printed out the ticket and I ran for security. I waited impatiently as I handed the man my ticket and i.d. He waved me onward to the scanner. After that, I ran for the terminals, hoping to see Logan waiting at the seats. Everyone was boarding already. There was no chance for me to find him, now. I handed the lady at the gate my ticket and went through the terminal. It was weird, boarding a plane that might not even house Logan. I looked at my ticket. E4. Window seat. Not bad, blond chick. I looked around the blue seats on the plane for Logan. Sure enough, when I got to E 3 and 4, there he was. "E-Excuse me, m-my seat's right there..."

"O-Oh sorry..." Logan got up, failing to look at me while staring at his phone. I hopped into my seat and watched as Logan got back into his.

"Lady troubles?" I asked, trying to get him to look at me. Trying to get him away from his phone. But he was intently staring at my contact information. Then he did another heart-wrenching thing. He deleted it. I pulled out my phone and texted him. _Logan, look at me. _His phone beeped and he opened the message. "Look." He turned, scared out of his mind.

"Kendall! I said not to-"

"I love you, Logan."

"Because you want me to stay!"

"No. Whether you leave or not, I love you. I'm on a plane to Minnesota for you," I said.

"Y-You said you hated me before." He looked back down to his phone.

"I hated myself for screwing things up," I said.

"You didn't-"

"I proposed like an idiot." I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed in frustration.

"Kendall... I wasn't ready... It wasn't idiotic," Logan said, putting his hand on my arm to get my attention. "I-I'm still not ready."

"And I respect that." I let my right hand go on top of his left. "L-let's just start over right now... alright?" I shifted in my seat.

"O-Okay," Logan said.

"Hi, I'm Kendall. It's nice to meet you."

"Kendall! We've known each other since-"

"Just go with it!"

"Fine! Hi, Kendall. I'm Logan."

**Okay, that was a chapter... That I've had written for a while. I've been contemplating on whether to put it up or not... **

**Review and tell me what you think.**

**Vans N' Roses**


End file.
